it rained a few hours ago and as fast as the rain fell, it disappeared. I was hoping for night showers and thunderstorms. Apparently my wish won't be granted. I feel like I am every boss's nightmare. I am making lot of mistakes, hanging on people by error, losing attention and what not. I'm still on training but mistakes are mistakes. It's frustrating as I am someone who usually pick up things fast and now bang, it is no longer working. To keep me going today, I was like "it's a challenge, challenge" but then got a bit confused thanks to someone who'll remain nameless. I need to have more confidence in me such that people who brag they know it all won't touch me because I feel I am not at their level.

I'm scared that after my 3 months probation they'll be like "out" because I am not good enough. I do want to be better but what is not working? oh well I'll clench my teeth and learn and learn until I know all the policies by heart. I'll give my best and if it does not work at least I tried and I'm keeping away from people who give me self esteem issues (you know the kind for whom everything is easy-good for them-but who say it in such a way that you feel dumb next to them). I must not give up no matter what. It is persistence that keeps life going and hopefully mine will last for a while because it's NOT normal to lose sleep because of work, especially training!!

I'm filling my soul journal slowly. Maybe I should start selling some on etsy as they're easier to make than art.. and the extra cash won't hurt.

on the positive side, i booked my seat for creepy classics for the end of october! just can't wait to listen to the orchestra!

MIA

I've been terribly busy with work and a bit depressed as well. Will seize the incoming week-end to do some art. I'm also trying to set up a budget in order to save. It's not easy. On Saturday, I went downtown and realised how much I missed the city buzz and the easy access to everything. I'm getting used to Mississauga but nothing can beat living in the city where you can walk to the closest supermarket/shop versus taking the bus for everything.

Readapting to Canada is challenging because of the language barrier. Yes I can say I lived there for 5 years but after 4 years in Mauritius I forgot how the Canadians talk and now I am in a job where I talk to ppl with different accents and bg, well understanding them is not easy and so often I want to give up but I need to make a living so I am crossing fingers, losing hair along the way but I'll keep going and persist even if it takes me more time than others to do the same thing.

I've been working on a soul journal filled with quotes to keep my motivation. It's all I can do for now. Saturday I got a haircut, went to my favourite second hand bookstore (the pic below is of my fave book store) and was surprised to see Yonge St closed due to Live green event in downtown.

Basically there were tents of companies selling "green" products, farmer's market and recycling etc.. The most crowded one was WWF where they were selling shirts and what not for $5. I went to have a look and ppl were more interested in the panda logo items than anything else. There were some interesting groups though but I did not stay long as I was too tired. My trip to downtown took 1.5 hrs instead of the usual 45 mins so no more trip there for me until the Gardiner Expressway is fully repaired! Last time I had to wait for over 2 hours due to congestion and it was really tiring.

I'm so exhausted. I guess mental stress is exhausting me more than the job itself.

why i can't wait to move out

yesterday i left half a pizza to cool. When I came back half of it was gone. I also put the other untouched half in the fridge to bring to work today and I forgot. I checked my food today and guess what my pizza was eaten again. sh*t. I hope by next morning I'll still have my food...

just little things like that amongst others that annoy me.

saying hello

Now that I am working, I know how it feels not to have time to do anything-my unopened bills are piling on my desk, letters to be answered etc . My resolve is to stop napping when I come back from work as then I am unable to sleep at night! Nevermind if I am dead tired or not! Yesterday I received my "the non planner datebook" by keri smith which is exactly what I need.


It's cute although the price tag is high for such a small book. I paid like 22 USD with shipping from Amazon.com as it' not carried by Amazon.ca! Booo!

I love Keri Smith. She's inspiring in her own ways. I have "how to be an explorer of the world" back home, "this is not a book" and "wreck this journal". I like "wreck this journal" because it helps to let go although I have yet to wreck it as instructed. There are so many things I need to work on in my life especially letting go, be less obsessive and perfect. In a few words: embrace my imperfections without fear. I'm also digging this article from martawrites.com because it's something I can relate to whether at the writing or creative level (Have you ever surfed through flickr albums, blogs for inspirations, find yourself being amazed at others work and yet felt drained/overwhelmed once you have to work on yours? A feeling of not being good enough although you went to those sites to be inspired and was inspired but still felt that your own work was not at the level you saw and unconsciously wanted to achieve?). In order to find my voice I need to stop looking at others because sooner or later I end up comparing myself to them.

I jumped into the rainbow books bandwagon-I've no clue how it's called: you simply arranged your books by colours! You can see some of my books there. I still have others on the side (hidden) and more books in the basement. I am ashamed to say that 90% of the books you see there have been bought within the past 4 months I've been in Canada (do the maths). I'm trying to buy second hand as much as I can from ebay (this seller awesomeusa is awesome. Books are as cheap as 2.99, shipping 1.99 and well most are hardcovers but who cares) and from BWM which sells books good as new. Last time I spend 33 bucks there for 5 books which would have cost me twice as much at Chapters or World Biggest bookstore. The books were in very good condition as well, just a mark at the bottom to indicate it's not new or something.


I'm in a Neil Gaiman mood lately. I also tried to organize my nail polishes by colour (although I can't wear the flashy ones to work) and you can see my moomin mugs and tea boxes-I've 5 tea boxes: jasmine tea, green tea, gunpowder tea, oolong, litchi black, etc.. I 've no clue when I'll be able to finish them all but I like to enjoy different tea according to my moods. I have also been working in my journal and hopefully if time allows it I'm making another scrap journal which I'll use as a "soul" journal or motivational one. I already have a few cards with quotes I'll love to integrate in it.



This past days weather has been setting the mood for the incoming fall. I am not ready for the cold and I am not too keen on gray days. If it rains that's still fine but gray cloudy days..no no. Soon I'll have to get a coat and winter clothes..ugh.. MORE expenses!

to do and to see

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”Sir Winston Churchill

“If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.”Nora Roberts

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”André Gide

I so want to see this movie :Lage de la raison. It's so dreamy and Amelie like. Another event I really look forward is the Tim Burton exhibition at the TIFF-Toronto but no dates have been announced yet. All I know is that it'll be in November and I have it marked down and will definitely arranged my shifts so as I can go to see it. The collection is usually in NYC. I can't miss that event as I love Tim Burton's work and it's been a while since anything interesting happened in my life! I'm also ready for the Toronto Symphony Orchestra Light classics series: Creepy symphonies which will be played in October. I'm booking my ticket this week once I get my pay and I cross fingers that there'll still be some seats left as it'll be my first ever live symphony.

Sometimes I wonder where time has gone by. Today I was showing JGuy a picture of himself from 2002 and he looks so different now. Older and more tired. Unfortunately I have no pictures of us together at that time. It would have been a great way to compare the "us now" and "us before". I guess one of my regret is not having any pictures of us younger as I have always hated to have pictures of me taken (I Still do) but pictures are the only path to keeping memories alive when they're long forgotten.

When I look at pictures of my family when we were still kids, I can't help feeling sad and a certain longing. Suddenly I'll find myself back to our house before it was renovated, looking at Corps de Garde mountain from my back door, long before Super U supermarket was built and long before we extended our kitchen to the back wall. I'll remember my afternoon after school, peering at my neighbour's land watching birds and chicken (now everything has been replaced by a house and a bitchy neighbour). There are things that cannot be replaced.

I finally bought a clarisonic, and we'll see if it helps for my skin. I do think I see improvements though. Only time will tell. Summer is already coming to an end and it's depressing to see stores putting long sleeves clothes out. Why are they so much in a hurry? I'm adapting to Canada although to be honest, work is altogether a different story. I need to learn to conquer m fears and stop creating unnecessary competition with people in my head. If I always compare myself with what others do, how can I concentrate on being me?I have to accept that at some point, some people are smarter than me and that it is not the end of the world.

He is not here to hold my hand, so I need to learn to walk on my two feet until we meet again.