the fortress

In this modern society, we like to wall ourselves in fortresses: breathing stale air from the aircon/central heater, we are afraid of letting our kids play shoeless in the garden, vegetables and fruits are full of hormones and pesticides, we are numbed by the tv where the life of other people become more interesting than our own.

Fall is there, trees are turning yellow and brown. The temperatures are slowly falling and squirrels are building their nests. I've always wondered how these animals keep all those leaves together. I've been collecting walnuts/chesnuts from my work place. There're some trees there and I like the rugged feel of the walnut and I hope to find one with its "cap" on. I'm trying to slowly reconcile myself with time. I have been feeling rushed and out of breathe since I came to Canada: time flies (except at work) and I realized that maybe I spend too much time watching junk instead of doing something else like art. I've not touched my art supplies for weeks and when I looked at my first journal and compared it to my current one, I realized how much I've become less creative as I am able to buy more supplies locally.

I find going back to my former friends: Arthur Rimbaud and Buddhist philosophy helps to calm down my anguish. I have to accept that I cannot turn back time. Back in Mauritius, I was resentful because I wanted to come back to Toronto, I did not fully realized what immigrating would mean, I took people and things for granted. Now it struck me that I am no longer home, that the place where I grew up, Ill be able to go back only for 3 weeks max depending on how many days off work I get. Time is going by and my parents who got on my nerves, who knows that that next time I'll see them they'll have white hair? My bf is getting wrinkles but at least I trust him that he will make it there?

I was stupid and childish and now all I can do is learn from my mistakes. At least I did have some quality time with my family. I know I can't live with my family but without them feels empty as well. Sometimes I wished they lived 30 mins down the road so I could go back and visit. Who was I kidding all this time? No where is better until you make it better. All this time the issue was with me, not with Mauritius etc..Well yes Mauritians have issues but I realized that still it's the place where I grew up and now I am in a land where I have no familiar marks, I can't blame anybody but me since I made the decision to leave.

I went outside and looked at the sky, the cold was biting my skin. I took two full breath, enjoying the cold air filling my lungs, the quiet afternoon. Refreshing, alive...No moment is alike: the quietness you were bored of, suddenly turned noisy as a neighbour mowed his lawn, now you long for the quietness again. Kids making noise as they play outside get on your nerves but once they leave, you long to hear their voice. Life is weird.

I know it's hard to do but i am trying to enjoy the present more so that not to live with regrets because by longing for the future, I missed moments to create memories..I do have pictures and pictures do tell stories but if you sacrifice moments at the expense of pictures, what is the point?