dilettare

I am going through an existentialism crisis..

I long to have someone interesting to talk to. The frivolities of daily life or small things bore me to death and even more when people look at me weirdly as i start to discuss ideas. I KNOW work is not the place where to have inspiring talks although I was able to do so in my former job at MCB. I do meet some interesting people but no one with whom I feel connected at an intellectual level. Ok it's true that I am not trying hard to initiate conversations as well because I feel forced to talk BS or about my private life in order to fit in.

I know small talks are necessary but it's choking me to hear over and over again the same stories, the same rambles about fashion, work gossips, what-I-bought and what not. I want to run away, to become a hermit in the mountains and have some time to ponder about the meaning of life. I'm tired of talking to people all day long on the phone and expected to be another social butterfly. It's an extroverted world out there and it's killing me. People think you're rude/weird when you're not talking nor socializing.

When I think of my life now, all I see is how I'm not going anywhere, how I've achieved nothing and the years are catching up on me. I know the regular I-want-to-get-married-and-have-kids is not for me yet I can't help being fascinated by people who have kids. I'm curious about how it feels when your life has a new meaning, when the "me" move to "them". Even relationships cannot equate a parent's love for his kids. It's weird-for lack of better words- but not in a bad way.

I guess my crisis has been so bad that for the first time in 10 years, I have not touched my art journaling stuffs nor made anything remotely artistic for months much to the joy of people who always complained that I am wasting my money and time doing these.

I want to run away. all i do is listen to sad songs to help me wake up and go through the day.