still alive..busted $ 200 for tickets to see book of mormon and les miserables..unfortunately w/ my schedule i cannot afford the flexibility of booking when it is cheaper..so my plans until winter 2014:

book of mormon-june 1
les miserables-sept 27
cello symphony- sept 19
carmina burana-november 11
mozart symphony 39-jan 11

the last two are a gamble and i do hope my schedule will allow me to attend the symphonies esp carmina burana. had them on a discount for people aged b/w 25-35 yrs old so it won;t be a major lost but i do want to attend them..

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201008/revenge-the-introvert?page=4 Conversation between an introvert and an extravert can involve a series of misunderstandings. As the introvert struggles to follow multiple conversational threads and sort out his own thoughts, he remains quiet and appears to be just listening. The extravert reads that as engagement, a cue to keep talking. The introvert struggles with the continuing flow of input and soon starts to shut out the extravert, while nodding or smiling, or even trying to stop the exchange.

Even a simple opener of "Hello, how are you? Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you about X," from anyone can challenge an introvert. Rather than bypassing the first question or interrupting the flow to answer it, the introvert holds onto the question: Hmm, how am I? (An internal dialogue begins, in which the introvert "hears" herself talking internally as the other person speaks.) Even if the introvert responds, "I'm good," she's probably still reflecting on how she is: Good? That's not quite right. I really have had a pretty crummy day, but there isn't a quick way to explain that. She wants to first work out privately her thoughts and judgment about the day.

She also may evaluate the question itself: I hate that we so often just say 'good' because that's the convention. The other person doesn't really want to know. She may even activate memories of how the question has struck her in the past. While the introvert is evaluating the question on at least two levels (how she is feeling and what she thinks about the question, perhaps also what this says about our society), the speaker is already moving on to sharing something about his day.

The introvert must take the incoming message from the speaker and tuck it into working memory until she can get to it, while more information keeps flowing in that demands tracking, sorting, searching, and critical analysis. The cognitive load becomes increasingly difficult to manage, as the internal talk competes with the external conversation. Moreover, while trying to keep the conversation going, introverts may miss social cues, which can make them appear socially inept. The conversation is also anxiety-provoking, because the introvert feels she has too little time to share a complete thought. She hungers to pull away and give time to the thoughts her brain has generated.—Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D.

 -----
 So true..the exact thing goes in my head when people asked how are you and the worse? I feel stressed/depressed because I cannot keep up with these aggressive bullies around me...They make me feel broken/socially inept..all i want is to isolate myself..

i am the smart one,not the pretty one..shucks...

cultivating the mind

On Sunday I went to the last showing of Frida and Diego: Passion, Politics and Paintings. To be honest I was never a fan of Frida. I went out of curiosity because she is an all time favourite amongst several art journaling artist I love.

I was deeply touched by the paintings and photos I saw. The immeasurable love she had for her husband, her personal pain due to her bus accident and numerous miscarriages. Frida's true story is reflected in her self portraits, a contrast to her very colorful appearance and style.

Most of the self portrait displayed Frida with a solemn expression, never smiling and looking straight at you, defiant? The only paintings that were different was when she painted her pain shown by tears,closed eyes or painful facial expression and she used a lot of symbols to describe her pain.

Diego had self portraits where he was smiling but Frida, no (I am not familiar w/ her art so I am not sure if it applies all her pictures). A few were focused on her relationship w/ Diego and its importance to her.

There were several photographs and one of my favourite was the one below:

I am definitely grateful to AGO to have helped me discover more of these two amazing Mexican artists and their beliefs and to show glimpses of their life.

Another event I went to in Thursday evening was the Mozart convert performed by TSO. We had the lovely Symphony 40, Serenade 12 in C minor and Sinfonia concertante in E-Flat Major for Violin and Viola.

We had an amazing duo for the Violin and Viola part. It was definitely enjoyable to close my eyes and savour each note played. It was the first time I ever listened to a live symphony and it was lovely.

I was expecting something more grandiose (I guess I watched too much youtube) but I love the TSO performance at the Roy Thompson hall. It was more personal and I was on the balcony on the side of the orchestra. When I was not closing my eyes I was watching the movement of the musicians on their instruments. I am in love w/ the cello. I swear if yoyoma comes to Toronto again to perform, I am SO going to go.

I know he was there in 2012 or 2011 and I missed his performance :( His rendition of Cello suite 1-prelude by Bach is just lovely. It's my preferred version of all as in some, the musicians go too slow or too fast. I love Maisky rendition as well

interesting twist w/ a some notes of ave maria??

I need more time to go and listen to classical music live. I LOVE Bach so I do hope to attend one of his symphonies soon.

It's these types of little things that made me grateful I am in Canada: Van Gogh Up Close in Ottawa in 2012, the dalai lama talk show in toronto 2011/2012?, high park sakura blooms, Cirque du soleil amaluna 2012 etc.

There is so much to discover, to see and I can't wait to get my citizenship and hit the museums in New York city and San Fran although the best for me would be to live in Europe!

goals for 2013: -attend another live symphony -musical book of mormon -go to centre island in summer -hike, hike and hike!! -watch salmon spawn -yoga??? i want to learn the crow pose. so COOL!!!!

le sigh

i made chicken briani. it tasted like sh*t and i ended ordering them. i'm craving spicy indian food lately. my body is tired and achy from job stress..god why have you forsaken me?? (note the sarcasm please)

it is coming this friday. Are you ready?

often

i feel like i am alone in a field and it is raining words...pouring until i cannot see the horizon.. i'm clumsy at handling super chatty people who talk like speedy trains. oh the woes of being an introvert in this extrovert world...this makes me feel inadequate..broken

i want to sleep....

cramming for loma exam..who said yelling " i am tired" in the condo around midnight will change anything??? oh procrastination, how i love thee!

I'm come to the point where people who think they are entitled to different treatment at work because they have kids or are married piss me off. I was even told that one's life has more value if you're married or how I won't know the "stress" of shifts until I have kids. WTF.

It's not because I don't have kids, a husband to take care of (thanks god!) that I don't have a life/stress and can afford to take all the shitty hours that no one wants. What about people who choose not to burden themselves w/ 2-3 kids or not marry??

The fact remains that when they signed the papers, they knew they would have to work shifts and 24/7 shifts. As much as management tried to accommodate their requests, no one is ever happy or even satisfied. I doubt these people know what it is to work late or overnight for christmas, new year, to do all week-ends for one year.

When I tell them these are possible, they're like I choose it (WTF). The new shift system is generating so much complaints that I don't even want to hear about it and it's just a shift for 3 months.

I do understand we each want the best for ourselves but throwing arguments like how they should get better hours because they have kids,day care etc.. make me frown. I'm sorry but you knew what you were up to when you signed the papers so don't think you deserve special treatment just because you reproduced. If that's the case then I'm off to the sperm bank and to the hospital to get in vitro fertilization and contribute my share to an overpopulated world.

Amen.

The worst is that I know people who have it worse and do not complain that much..It's not the end of the world people, get your things together. just a 3 months rotation.

book of mormon

Man this is hilarious..

I'm so going to see this musical when it comes to Toronto in June 2013. Funniest thing ever. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. Their song "turn it off" is just as funny.

Need my dose of happy songs lately like "call me maybe" (a worm in the head) and "small talks" by men and monsters (they're good..listened to their acoustic version and it's lovely)

random thoughts

Gestures of love are always the most anonymous ones: a man adjusting his wife jacket and squeezing her hand, removing a hair strand from a beloved's face, kissing a beloved hand or face. I see these gestures everyday from regular people in the bus, people with no names and whom I might never see again.

One couple though caught my attention because I came across them a few times. The man: shaved head and beard, the tough look of a biker, his partner :in a wheelchair, oversized jacket and a baseball cap on her dirty blond messy hair. An unlikely couple but with looks and gestures of tenderness for each other. Sweet and it's always like that when I see them together.

Lately I am in love with the french word "effleurer". It just brings possibilities and might have beens. Effleurer le visage de son aimé, sa main, son corps. Effleurer/froler un étranger qui vous souris. Capturer la magie d'un instant.

I am looking forward to go home. Not because it's home. I need a break from sterile Mississauga. I want to be able to smell and taste the salty sea again, feel the humidity and heat around me and go to the noisy and colorful markets. I want to ride our rickety buses full of old ladies in saris and tentes bazaar. I want to see the colorful concrete houses-ugly and pretty and not the copy-paste ones so typical of the canadian.

What do I miss? I miss my dogs, my Doudou, hold her tight and never let go. I miss the starry nights where I knew the constellations by heart and could point jupiter-venus-orion-scorpio-pleaides to you w/o blinking. I miss the fields of sugarcane in bloom in the morning where everything looked covered in warm gold. I miss the rainy seasons and cyclones w/ torrential rains. I miss sleeping w/ the candle light when the power is cut off. I miss the smell of Port-Louis market. I miss the smell of night jasmine as it blooms at night. I miss the redness of the Flamboyants along the streets.

This is funny...because I know I can't live in Mauritius, paradise or not. I guess the heart always long for what it can't have.

For once I will be happy when I am told "welcome back home".

summer is almost over?

We're already in September and soon the leaves will be the color of fall. This summer went by like a breeze and I did not do much mainly due to the strong heat. Each rainy day was welcomed by me as the smell of the rain was so refreshing and it felt good to feel the wind in my face.

I am currently working on a trip for next year. It is a secret for now but I am so excited about it. I was visiting some foodie blog and it made me realize how my relationship with food has changed. I rarely take any pleasure in eating. I missed the markets in Port-Louis. Your senses would be overpowered by the smell of fresh vegetables, of fried gato piments and other snacks and bread.

Most things are sterile and over clean in Canada, ok Mississauga-Toronto. Over  packaged to the point where buying vegetables is no longer a sensory experience. Even vegetables displayed have no smell and it's like looking at plastic vegies, ripened in lorries from mexico or the usa. Unless I am buying at the wrong places?

The only stinky experience of this country is people..Hah! I can understand if you stink because it's hot or after a day's at work but stinking at 6 am before going to work? Dude..did anyone take a bath in the evening or morning? The smell of body odors, rancid hair oil/curry is enough to wake me up w/o the need to buy coffee.. Ugh. A few time I had to change seat because the regulars I rode the bus with, made me want to barf.

I can't wait to go back home, just to be able to use my senses again.

Chaque mot couché sur ce papier, je le resens comme un frisson tout au long de l'échine. Chaque mot je le resens comme un sanglot qui secoue mon coeur.

Demain, dès l'aube, à l'heure où blanchit la campagne,

Je partirai. Vois-tu, je sais que tu m'attends.

J'irai par la forêt, j'irai par la montagne.

Je ne puis demeurer loin de toi plus longtemps.

Je marcherai les yeux fixés sur mes pensées,

Sans rien voir au dehors, sans entendre aucun bruit,

Seul, inconnu, le dos courbé, les mains croisées,

Triste, et le jour pour moi sera comme la nuit.

Je ne regarderai ni l'or du soir qui tombe,

Ni les voiles au loin descendant vers Harfleur,

Et quand j'arriverai, je mettrai sur ta tombe

Un bouquet de houx vert et de bruyère en fleur

 

Victor Hugo

 

 

awake

"Failure" by Assemblage 23 is so me :( I need to stop thinking.

I am lost,
The footprints that I left have disappeared,
For now, I am driving blind.

Accelerate,
Without a destination to welcome me,
This road is just an endless loop.

Every time I close my eyes,
The noise inside me amplifies,
I can't escape,
I relive every moment of the day.
Every misstep I have made,
Finds a way it can invade,
My every thought,
And this is why I find myself awake.

Directionless,
The letters on the signs have long since faded,
The sky conspires to swallow me.

Paid the price,
For burning all the maps to warm myself,
I threw their ashes to the wind.

Every time I close my eyes,
The noise inside me amplifies,
I can't escape,
I relive every moment of the day.
Every misstep I have made,
Finds a way it can invade,
My every thought,
And this is why I find myself awake.

Walk away,
Time to leave the realm of the familiar,
To find a place where sleep can come.

Hesitate,
For one last time I shout into the sky,
To wake the ones I'll leave behind.

Every time I close my eyes,
The noise inside me amplifies,
I can't escape,
I relive every moment of the day.
Every misstep I have made,
Finds a way it can invade,
My every thought,
And this is why I find myself awake.

the world goes on whether it rains or shine.

topbox.ca

today was a good mail day. After being on the waiting list since Feb, I finally received my first topbox and I have to admit it made me much happier than with loose button. For $10 plus tax per month you get 4 deluxe samples and sometimes more of beauty products to try.

This month my top box contained:
-1 full size deborah lippmann nailpolish in "whatever lola wants"-a lovely pale pink w/ shimmer
-sample size stila mascara "forever your curl"
-sample size clear prep fx matte foundation primer and anti acne
-full size mark lipgloss in pop splendid-berry pink and wearable for my skin tone
-3 samples of garnier bb cream in light
-sample size of simple eye make-up remover

their sample sizes are what i'll call travel size. Although there is no personalization of the boxes (loose button has a sticker with your name on it), I have the impression that topbox does match your samples according to the profile survey you fill which makes me very happy. I'll watch my future boxes to further confirm that.

After getting 5 boxes from loosebutton, I am SO glad that I cancelled my subscription with them. Each time I was getting random products and 90% of the times I never used them since they were not for my skin type-hair type etc.. I got so many regenerist lotion samples from olay, shampoo for dyed hair, lotion for dry skin and I filled their profile survey 3 times but keep getting random samples. In addition so many of  them were drugstores brands like olay, pantene, nyx, etc..

I was rather pissed because their boxes were so inconsistent as some people would get dermalogica several times, benefit, china glaze while I kept getting lame ones. The only nailpolish I received from them as well was a stinky pastel purple from essie which I would never use. I know some people love loosebutton but the quality of the samples did not do it for me and it was more expensive than topbox. My first topbox has 3 items I know I will use which is something I never had with loosebutton. I guess to each their own.

I also had my studiocalico kit and it made me smile. The items are so well thought and lovely. journalling heavens. I am still working on my mini book from montreal and will use the incoming week-end to complete it. I took most photos from my fuji instax and it's more fun than my dslr. I realize that as much as I love high quality picture, carrying a dslr around is a pain in the ass..I might buy a new point and shoot camera as far as I am concerned although I love my Canon A570 IS powershot. It seems to me that most models coming out nowadays are divided into 3 groups: point and shoot-small and light, semi pro dslr-big and pro dslr-bigger. I can no longer find something small and in between like my powershot which has great manual options. bah we'll see.

I'm so tired as work is exhausting. It's been raining calls lately..jeez

perfect day

more thunderstorm and rain. I love the smell of the air: electric. I'm in a bohemian mood lately. I want to run away to some small village in the countryside and lie down on the grass in the field looking at the passing by clouds. Savoring the warmth of the sun against my skin. Just jump in a bus to destination unknown to the country side with roads that look endless, a bit like my trip to Maggog. 

The clouds were magnificient and it was a show of light and sound with lightning zigzaging through the sky. I could not help myself from counting the time lapse between seeing the lightning and hearing the thunder. If my memory is right, the shorter the time, the closer lightning strikes to where you are. Jeez I really want to travel.

This trip to Montreal was too short..The most enjoyable was Mont Royal cemetery. I had no time to go to Mont Royal itself. I <3 the peace and quietness of cemeteries and in general cemetaries in Canada are like parks: green with silent old trees , birds and random chipmunks. I spotted a raccoon and I was SO excited. I started trailing it and it was like playing 1,2,3 soleil aka statues in english (I used to play that as a kid)

Each time the racoon would stop, I stopped too and it would turn back and look at me with its tiny masked eyes. Aaaaww. It made me think of Miyazki anime "Pom Ponko" . It look so cuddly. I wanted to lie down and sleep in the cemetery because the quietness was so nice and the shade of trees so inviting. Unfortunately I could not spot any interesting tombstones since i did not have the map with me. It'll be for next time. self reminder: to go to mt pleasant cemetery as well.

I don't find cemeteries macabre and some are gorgeous, like Pere La Chaise in Paris. I enjoy reading some tombs "listings" and you could spin endless stories about the people buried there. One tomb stone had a pilot and his family. what suprised me is that the wife stayed a widow for 49 or 39 years-can't recall exactly..At least this is what I deduced from the reading as it said pilot x and his beloved wife .I need to upload that picture later one. Wow..this is what I call devotion unless she did remarry but wanted to be buried with her first husband and the guy was really young when he passed away. devotion, love, loss, grief are things you can read from the tomb stones. sometimes i wonder if some of the dead don't feel lonely especially those who've been there for 100 years and who no longer have any living relatives to visit them..

I just finished "Les yeux jaunes des crocodiles" by Katherine Pancol. She reminds me of Anna Galvada in some ways. Her characters are attaching and her writings is very humane although i did skip some parts which were not needed in the book IMHO. There were some parts I did not like and found overdone-stereotyped-"are you kidding me"-could/should be removed- but I enjoyed the evolution of the characters. Josephine, it's a bit of me: insecure, naive and "gauche" but smart and yet so unsure of her capabilities. The parts where she spoke to the stars made me smile because I used to do it a lot as well although unlike her I don't pray to God via the stars.

I knew and still know their names, when to find them and where. Back home I would lie down on my balcony ramp (with a high risk of falling into my neighbour's garden) and watch the milky way and the constellations. I would wake up at 5 am to watch venus at dawn. I still love the stars . I believe that where ever you are, as long as you can see the same constellations as your love ones, it means that they are never far away. For me now, this constellation is Orion which can be seen in both the Southern and Northern hemispheres.

Each time we went to Flic en Flac for dinner, I would lie back in the car and stargaze through the back window. We had to go through an area surrounded by both sides with sugarcane and this was the best place to stargaze as it is darker.  It was like saying hello to old friends and it's weird to realize that the stars we see now are actually from the past and might no longer exist.

I miss watching the milky way because there is too much light in the Canadian sky but I can still see the Orion belt and the planets. I also thank whoever invented googlesky because it is my favourite app. Back home I used sky maps and would use well known constellation as my landmarks like sagittarius, scorpio, taurus, orion, the pleaides-7 sisters etc. Which reminds me I miss the trajectory of venus infront of the sun which happened a few days ago. Apparently it sort gave the sun a beauty mark. zut alors.

Jeez I'm craving for some serious stargazing and let myself fall into the hands of eternity while looking at a sky of twinkling diamonds.

montreal here i come

My bus tickets are printed and hotel booking. All I need to do is pack. I have also booked my tickets for a one day trip in Ottawa to see the much coveted Van Gogh up close. The ottawa portion is  a "coup de tete" as we say it in french. I love Van Gogh and the post impressionism so this exhibition timing is perfect. After visiting Giverny in France where Monet had his paintings, then Musee D'Orsay, Van Gogh here I come. I never forgave myself for missing the William Waterhouse exhibit in Toronto in 2010?? and I missed the Tim Burton one as well..booo :(

I'm stuck in a rut lately to the point where it is scaring me. Even with my stressful job at the MCB I could create daily, here nada. I just read blogs and dream in colour while hoarding craft supplies. I better start using them SOON.

I'm not sure where I'll go in Montreal, I guess I'll let my bohemian side take over: walk into random streets, enjoying the day although the weather forecast is cloudy and rainy :( I'm definitely going to Mont Royal cemetery bird watching and to enjoy the silence. Laugh at me but old cemeteries are awesome, the Canadian tombstones are less impressive than Parisian ones-Pere La Chaise..awesomeness!!!- but it's like being in a park (at least for Mount Pleasant, St James and Mont Royal) . I know some streets are reputed for vintage and old books so I'll walk along these as well and hit the Salvation Army store on Notre Dame for quirky vintage finds.

Most probably I'll return with my carry on full of food, french books and what nots. then back to bleh mississauga. At least I am taking my fuji instax with me for polaroid pictures and I am doing a travel scrapbooklet. Need to get that right brain work hard.

I wish I had someone to talk about art or literature with me..Well there's always monologues... or soliloquys.

"To be or not to be, that is the question.."

Some people at work says I am VERY quiet but funny when I talk (...) I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.. *shrug*

my brain hurts and my tolerance for human stupidity rubbed thin... the corporate world is making me resent every minute of my life..

i need to run away..i need to find solace far away from this capitalist world.

what those past days taught me: humans fall mainly into one category., the "me" category where it's all about getting attention, being popular/liked, and about hypocrisy (a few literally stink of it, like some pungent odor that clings to their skin and cannot be get rid of how often they wash themselves) and it's nothing new

i have to get out of here fast. it's either that or my sanity. i have done a decent job of disconnecting myself from these toxic factors but there are days where i am like how can people be like that?? and their game is one i don't want to play.

the girl with her you-have-to-get-married argument made a come back. at one point i was wondering if she was trying to insult me with "ask your parents to find a boy for you. now it's a good time to get married because you know you are not.."

i am not what?? (don't get me started on that) and it all started when i told her my sister in law is getting her pr visa. i have no issues that my younger brothers are married before me. it's not a rat race. funny thing is that she is single too so she should worry about herself first than the stranger that i am..ah people...they're weird...

i knew i was never meant to be a social creature. god have you forsaken me?? *note the sarcasm please..

maya expo at the rom

So on last last thursday I went to the ROM to see the Maya expo. I did not want to miss it and the week-end was the last day. Unfortunately no pictures were allowed :( Getting out of museum station I saw this (see pic below) and I was like "gawd don't tell me...again???"

school buses lined up!!

I did drop by the ROM during March break for the Maya expo and this was the BIGGEST mistake ever as this is THE time when all kids head to the museum w/ their grand parents and what not. The lineup was huge so I went shopping instead.

This time I was determined to wait and see the expo despite the hoard of kids as it was the last week it was being shown and I would not be free to do it later as I work on week-ends. Thanks god all the kids were already in and it was a short queue for admission.

 where am i?

It was an interesting expo and the clay works by the Mayans are so intricate and lovely. Something that got me wondering is the common theme in all ethnicities/religions world wide about how the creation of the world is a violent process. In addition, the mayan believed that night and day were a daily event of destruction and creation. There was also a section about the famous end of the world in 2012 which is when the Mayan calendar ends.

To be honest when I first saw the paintings by the Mayans, it added to my belief that they were a violent culture: torture/sacrifice of war prisoners, scarification as beauty marks, cutting their tongues to draw blood for sacrifice etc. I was reminded of a comic I read when I was younger about Spaniards who traveled in the mexican jungles and were killed by the aztechs/mayan or sacrificed and how they came to a temple where there was a mountain of sacrificed corpse missing vital organs like the heart. Don't ask me how a kid like me got her hands on that type of comic. It was in "Le petit Spirou" album.

Upon deeper thinking, I realized that it is in human nature to be violent as past wars, holocaust, rape of nankin etc have showed us. It's just some cultural violence are more mediatized in books, tv etc so the Mayan "violence" was in fact no more violent than the vikings etc.. It also showed the Mayan nowadays and it's awesome to see how some managed to keep their ancestral language and culture.
After the Mayan show, I headed to my favorite hall in the ROM: the dinosaurs!!

I am never bored of watching the skeletons resurrected from the past. My only complaint is that at the ROM, the skeletons are not arranged in a way to give you the right "impression" of their sizes. The skeletons are too close to one another, giving a feeling of crowdness when in fact some skeletons are really more impressive in size and structure on their own. 

Also saw the weird specimens from the Burgess shale and unfortunately some of the lights shinning on the rocks were off so I could not really see all the details of their structures. I don't know if the burgess shale specimens are temporary or permanent as I would love to go back and see them again. Paleobiology is sooo coooll. Need to go to redpath museum in Montreal as well. I would love one day to go to Nova Scotia and walk along the Joggins cliffs where they have fossils. It's just too cool, like jumping into the past..just like when i saw fossilized plants at the Don Valley brickworks and yeah the dinosaur provincial park is on my list as well.

Now I just need to find a traveling companion and money :P...