the fortress

In this modern society, we like to wall ourselves in fortresses: breathing stale air from the aircon/central heater, we are afraid of letting our kids play shoeless in the garden, vegetables and fruits are full of hormones and pesticides, we are numbed by the tv where the life of other people become more interesting than our own.

Fall is there, trees are turning yellow and brown. The temperatures are slowly falling and squirrels are building their nests. I've always wondered how these animals keep all those leaves together. I've been collecting walnuts/chesnuts from my work place. There're some trees there and I like the rugged feel of the walnut and I hope to find one with its "cap" on. I'm trying to slowly reconcile myself with time. I have been feeling rushed and out of breathe since I came to Canada: time flies (except at work) and I realized that maybe I spend too much time watching junk instead of doing something else like art. I've not touched my art supplies for weeks and when I looked at my first journal and compared it to my current one, I realized how much I've become less creative as I am able to buy more supplies locally.

I find going back to my former friends: Arthur Rimbaud and Buddhist philosophy helps to calm down my anguish. I have to accept that I cannot turn back time. Back in Mauritius, I was resentful because I wanted to come back to Toronto, I did not fully realized what immigrating would mean, I took people and things for granted. Now it struck me that I am no longer home, that the place where I grew up, Ill be able to go back only for 3 weeks max depending on how many days off work I get. Time is going by and my parents who got on my nerves, who knows that that next time I'll see them they'll have white hair? My bf is getting wrinkles but at least I trust him that he will make it there?

I was stupid and childish and now all I can do is learn from my mistakes. At least I did have some quality time with my family. I know I can't live with my family but without them feels empty as well. Sometimes I wished they lived 30 mins down the road so I could go back and visit. Who was I kidding all this time? No where is better until you make it better. All this time the issue was with me, not with Mauritius etc..Well yes Mauritians have issues but I realized that still it's the place where I grew up and now I am in a land where I have no familiar marks, I can't blame anybody but me since I made the decision to leave.

I went outside and looked at the sky, the cold was biting my skin. I took two full breath, enjoying the cold air filling my lungs, the quiet afternoon. Refreshing, alive...No moment is alike: the quietness you were bored of, suddenly turned noisy as a neighbour mowed his lawn, now you long for the quietness again. Kids making noise as they play outside get on your nerves but once they leave, you long to hear their voice. Life is weird.

I know it's hard to do but i am trying to enjoy the present more so that not to live with regrets because by longing for the future, I missed moments to create memories..I do have pictures and pictures do tell stories but if you sacrifice moments at the expense of pictures, what is the point?

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why i love amazon

.com or .ca . My order was shipped yesterday and was received today :D and it was the free shipping option, so why pay more for express?? I got my illuminations-arthur rimbaud, awaken the buddha within-Lama Surya, mess-keri smith and drawing lab (can't recall the author). I love all my books. The first time I opened Illuminations, I found my favourite poem "sensations" at the back of opened page.. Coincidence? I love Rimbaud and I thought I brought his book with me but could not find it. Thanks to Amazon, I did not have to worry for too long..yay! The same is for Amazon.com where it takes only 2 days to reach me. I guess books I want fast I'll just buy them off amazon than ebay even if the price is higher.

Now I am waiting for my GAP order- some winter clothes as sizes were sold out in the stores. Free shipping of course-the only reason why I buy online than at the store..plus sales!

I'm so tired today. I need to ask my mom to send my tibetan singing bowl with my brother. There're so many things I left at home and wished it was just a few mins/hours away so that I can fetch them :/ Now I need to wait until my brother goes home or I go, in a few years..

tired tired tired

Sensation

Par les soirs bleus d'été, j'irai dans les sentiers,
Picoté par les blés, fouler l'herbe menue :
Rêveur, j'en sentirai la fraîcheur à mes pieds.
Je laisserai le vent baigner ma tête nue.

Je ne parlerai pas, je ne penserai rien :
Mais l'amour infini me montera dans l'âme,
Et j'irai loin, bien loin, comme un bohémien,
Par la nature, heureux comme avec une femme.

Arthur Rimbaud

Today I went to Sq One and did a quick stop by Pet Smart- I was surprised to see that they no longer sell dogs. Instead there were fish. I was tempted to buy an aquarium but this will have to wait. There's nothing more relaxing than to watch fishes swim by and decorate your aquarium like a jungle. Too bad Pet Smart sell mainly "common" tropical fish and some were sick :/ I wonder what happened to my fishes. Knowing my folks, they must have neglected the fish to the point where they died. The Canadian sky is so full of airplanes whether it is Toronto or Mississauga. Sometimes I wonder where these people are going, to warmer regions now that fall and soon winter is closing in?

Sometimes I wonder what my heart aches for? I bought another rimbaud book off amazone.ca together with mess by keri smith and unleash the buddha within. I need to go back on track again. I can't rely on places, people etc.. If I want change, I am the one who need to initiate it how hard it is. I need to act than react and the first step is to move out.

Monday already. Week-end was again sharing space with my brother but well it could have been worse.

I almost forgot

the simple joy of a cup of tea. I love this cup as it's mega huge and I don't have to refill as often as an average cup. I'm still feeling shitty but decided to take my distance to my surroundings. I have to survive. I need the money in order to move out. Once I move out I can buy things I love to eat, decorate etc.. Patience and resilience is the key right now. I've been under so much pressure that at one point I had no nails to break (Disgusting but I bite/break my nails when stressed) and I also realized that I need more independence than be in a prison. Having a house/roof over your head does not make it a home.

I'm crossing fingers and toes because I do want things to improve and I want to be able to breathe normally again.

grinding my teeth

I'm looking for an apartment, earlier than anticipated but I'm tired of being there and getting additional stress and health issues. My body is on the verge of cracking down but I have to grind my teeth and bear with it until I find something more appropriate. Who knew that immigrating would be that painful despite going back to a country where I've lived for 5 years?

I've to work tomorrow and already I feel like breaking down..At least I am losing weight w/o much effort..

i miss home

I'm making a blurb book on mauritius and it made me realized how much I miss home. It was not perfect but I guess I was too selfish to enjoy my time there and now I miss it. Why do we always look back at things with some regret. Hopefully I'll be able to to go back in 2012? I want to keep 2011 for Paris. Now I need to face my fears at my job because I need this money for travelling and to go back home. I have nothing to prove, just do my job and get the money. Maybe I'll go back to mauritius when I retire yet I'll be on my own at that age..Why do I need to brood black?

I want to go to Montreal..to live there..

TGIF

Bad work day. been messing up all morning and had bad calls which left me without energy for the rest of the day. Another person resigned from the job. I was shocked because he was really good and did well in the test etc..So after all, ppl telling us that we'll be only three were correct. I'm worried about my situation as well as I am the weakness now in term of performance. I have to work harder on that and improve my communication and thinking skills. sad to say I am still at a stage where I stumble on the phone as speaking english is not my forte -try to understand all these accents and think fast- and I'm slower in processing info as I struggle at understanding my caller. It makes me think of my first and second yr at uni..the EXACT same thing: struggling with understanding and being understood. I even ended feeling sorry for my callers as I asked them to repeat/spell names for me.

Another girl from a former batch was how everyone in her group resigned oO; ZOMG is all I can say. I am going to persist until there's nothing else I can do. I feel frustrated though because I am not performing at the level I know I can and my customer service stinks due to communication issues.

Thanks god for long week-end!

what is done is done..forget about it and move on

it rained a few hours ago and as fast as the rain fell, it disappeared. I was hoping for night showers and thunderstorms. Apparently my wish won't be granted. I feel like I am every boss's nightmare. I am making lot of mistakes, hanging on people by error, losing attention and what not. I'm still on training but mistakes are mistakes. It's frustrating as I am someone who usually pick up things fast and now bang, it is no longer working. To keep me going today, I was like "it's a challenge, challenge" but then got a bit confused thanks to someone who'll remain nameless. I need to have more confidence in me such that people who brag they know it all won't touch me because I feel I am not at their level.

I'm scared that after my 3 months probation they'll be like "out" because I am not good enough. I do want to be better but what is not working? oh well I'll clench my teeth and learn and learn until I know all the policies by heart. I'll give my best and if it does not work at least I tried and I'm keeping away from people who give me self esteem issues (you know the kind for whom everything is easy-good for them-but who say it in such a way that you feel dumb next to them). I must not give up no matter what. It is persistence that keeps life going and hopefully mine will last for a while because it's NOT normal to lose sleep because of work, especially training!!

I'm filling my soul journal slowly. Maybe I should start selling some on etsy as they're easier to make than art.. and the extra cash won't hurt.

on the positive side, i booked my seat for creepy classics for the end of october! just can't wait to listen to the orchestra!