verlaine

Il pleure dans mon coeur
Comme il pleut sur la ville;
Quelle est cette langueur
Qui pénètre mon coeur ?

Ô bruit doux de la pluie
Par terre et sur les toits !
Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie,
Ô le chant de la pluie !

Il pleure sans raison
Dans ce coeur qui s'écoeure.
Quoi ! nulle trahison ?...
Ce deuil est sans raison.

C'est bien la pire peine
De ne savoir pourquoi
Sans amour et sans haine
Mon coeur a tant de peine !

Paul Verlaine

snow

Since yesterday we had our first snow..more like a slush of flurries and rain. In the afternoon the snow was heavier. If the cold was not an issue, I would have sit on a bench in a quiet park and enjoy the peacefulness of watching snow fall under the warm lamp light. There is nothing more beautiful than a carpet of sparkling new snow.

I was highly tempted to walk under the falling snow and to taste the snow flakes with the tip of my tongue. However with my groceries that would not have been convenient. Reality over my daily reverie.

I have been reading quite a few books about food and culture lately. Some books echo issues that have crossed my mind, but to which I never gave much thoughts so full is my head of random stuffs and worries.

"In defense of food" by Micheal Pollan struck a chord in me though. I am reading this book at a time where my relationship with food is no longer pleasurable. Most "food" from the supermarkets are tasteless and full of hormones and what not. I do remember a comment from one of my mother's collegue about how although Mauritius is not like South Africa (where her kids are), nothing can equal the smell of vegetables and fruits in our local supermarkets or bazaar. How true! Unfortunately in Canada, organic or local cost an arm and a leg. I might as well plant my own vegetables once we move to a house.

I stopped buying most 0% fat etc.. items a long time ago. I did the simple test of checking the label one time and the list of ingredients in the so called healthy "food" was longer than the regular one. Stabilizers, emulsifiers, sugar sugar and sugar. I was amazed at how some food could stay in the fridge for weeks w/o a mould..scary or amazing? This book is definitely an eye opener and give you food for thought. I am sure a lot of the issues he discussed have crossed our mind at one time or another.

I'm slowly trying to get back into calligraphy and visual journaling. I need therapy because I am drained from listening to people and having no one to listen to me when I need it. Maybe "eccrire c'est crier en silence".

can I run away instead of chaining myself to things ?

victor hugo

On vit, on parle...

On vit, on parle, on a le ciel et les nuages
Sur la tête ; on se plaît aux livres des vieux sages ;
On lit Virgile et Dante ; on va joyeusement
En voiture publique à quelque endroit charmant,
En riant aux éclats de l'auberge et du gîte ;
Le regard d'une femme en passant vous agite ;
On aime, on est aimé, bonheur qui manque aux rois !
On écoute le chant des oiseaux dans les bois
Le matin, on s'éveille, et toute une famille
Vous embrasse, une mère, une soeur, une fille !
On déjeune en lisant son journal. Tout le jour
On mêle à sa pensée espoir, travail, amour ;
La vie arrive avec ses passions troublées ;
On jette sa parole aux sombres assemblées ;
Devant le but qu'on veut et le sort qui vous prend,
On se sent faible et fort, on est petit et grand ;
On est flot dans la foule, âme dans la tempête ;
Tout vient et passe ; on est en deuil, on est en fête ;
On arrive, on recule, on lutte avec effort... --
Puis, le vaste et profond silence de la mort !

Demain, dès l'aube...

Demain, dès l'aube, à l'heure où blanchit la campagne,
Je partirai. Vois-tu, je sais que tu m'attends.
J'irai par la forêt, j'irai par la montagne.
Je ne puis demeurer loin de toi plus longtemps.

Je marcherai les yeux fixés sur mes pensées,
Sans rien voir au dehors, sans entendre aucun bruit,
Seul, inconnu, le dos courbé, les mains croisées,
Triste, et le jour pour moi sera comme la nuit.

Je ne regarderai ni l'or du soir qui tombe,
Ni les voiles au loin descendant vers Harfleur,
Et quand j'arriverai, je mettrai sur ta tombe
Un bouquet de houx vert et de bruyère en fleur.

I am going through an existentialism crisis..

I long to have someone interesting to talk to. The frivolities of daily life or small things bore me to death and even more when people look at me weirdly as i start to discuss ideas. I KNOW work is not the place where to have inspiring talks although I was able to do so in my former job at MCB. I do meet some interesting people but no one with whom I feel connected at an intellectual level. Ok it's true that I am not trying hard to initiate conversations as well because I feel forced to talk BS or about my private life in order to fit in.

I know small talks are necessary but it's choking me to hear over and over again the same stories, the same rambles about fashion, work gossips, what-I-bought and what not. I want to run away, to become a hermit in the mountains and have some time to ponder about the meaning of life. I'm tired of talking to people all day long on the phone and expected to be another social butterfly. It's an extroverted world out there and it's killing me. People think you're rude/weird when you're not talking nor socializing.

When I think of my life now, all I see is how I'm not going anywhere, how I've achieved nothing and the years are catching up on me. I know the regular I-want-to-get-married-and-have-kids is not for me yet I can't help being fascinated by people who have kids. I'm curious about how it feels when your life has a new meaning, when the "me" move to "them". Even relationships cannot equate a parent's love for his kids. It's weird-for lack of better words- but not in a bad way.

I guess my crisis has been so bad that for the first time in 10 years, I have not touched my art journaling stuffs nor made anything remotely artistic for months much to the joy of people who always complained that I am wasting my money and time doing these.

I want to run away. all i do is listen to sad songs to help me wake up and go through the day.

starry nights

Night lights make me melancholic. Watching Toronto sky line brings unnamed longing to my heart. I wonder if this is loneliness? At least I can gaze at the sky and constellation. To spot Orion and Jupiter in the night sky brings some comfort.

I am attracted to the lights of condos like moths to the flame. I can't help but wonder about the people living there. A few of my neighbours have kids whose bedroom face mine and it's cute to see them jump on their bed and wait for their parents or run from room to room. It reminds me of my brothers when we were little. It's hard to realize that over 20 years have gone by and one is already married. only memories linger.

**this morning the moon was beautiful, a slit in the dark sky. For some unknown reason it made me think of 1q84 by murakami..It's a as if someone punched an incomplete hole in the sky..and if you peel it back you would see daylight. The trees along old derry road were reaching out for the moon, as if appealing to an old lover...

Frances

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SHE will not sleep, for fear of dreams, But, rising, quits her restless bed, And walks where some beclouded beams Of moonlight through the hall are shed. Obedient to the goad of grief, Her steps, now fast, now lingering slow, In varying motion seek relief From the Eumenides of woe. Wringing her hands, at intervals­ But long as mute as phantom dim­ She glides along the dusky walls, Under the black oak rafters, grim. The close air of the grated tower Stifles a heart that scarce can beat, And, though so late and lone the hour, Forth pass her wandering, faltering feet; And on the pavement, spread before The long front of the mansion grey, Her steps imprint the night-frost hoar, Which pale on grass and granite lay. Not long she stayed where misty moon And shimmering stars could on her look, But through the garden arch-way, soon Her strange and gloomy path she took. Some firs, coeval with the tower, Their straight black boughs stretched o'er her head, Unseen, beneath this sable bower, Rustled her dress and rapid tread. There was an alcove in that shade, Screening a rustic-seat and stand; Weary she sat her down and laid Her hot brow on her burning hand. To solitude and to the night, Some words she now, in murmurs, said; And, trickling through her fingers white, Some tears of misery she shed. ' God help me, in my grievous need, God help me, in my inward pain; Which cannot ask for pity's meed, Which has no license to complain; Which must be borne, yet who can bear, Hours long, days long, a constant weight­ The yoke of absolute despair, A suffering wholly desolate ? Who can for ever crush the heart, Restrain its throbbing, curb its life ? Dissemble truth with ceaseless art, With outward calm, mask inward strife ?' She waited­as for some reply; The still and cloudy night gave none; Erelong, with deep-drawn, trembling sigh, Her heavy plaint again begun. ' Unloved­I love; unwept­I weep; Grief I restrain­hope I repress: Vain is this anguish­fixed and deep; Vainer, desires and dreams of bliss. My love awakes no love again, My tears collect, and fall unfelt; My sorrow touches none with pain, My humble hopes to nothing melt. For me the universe is dumb, Stone-deaf, and blank, and wholly blind; Life I must bound, existence sum In the strait limits of one mind; That mind my own. Oh ! narrow cell; Dark­imageless­a living tomb ! There must I sleep, there wake and dwell Content, with palsy, pain, and gloom.' Again she paused; a moan of pain, A stifled sob, alone was heard; Long silence followed­then again, Her voice the stagnant midnight stirred. ' Must it be so ? Is this my fate ? Can I nor struggle, nor contend ? And am I doomed for years to wait, Watching death's lingering axe descend ? And when it falls, and when I die, What follows ? Vacant nothingness ? The blank of lost identity ? Erasure both of pain and bliss ? I've heard of heaven­I would believe; For if this earth indeed be all, Who longest lives may deepest grieve, Most blest, whom sorrows soonest call. Oh ! leaving disappointment here, Will man find hope on yonder coast ? Hope, which, on earth, shines never clear, And oft in clouds is wholly lost. Will he hope's source of light behold, Fruition's spring, where doubts expire, And drink, in waves of living gold, Contentment, full, for long desire ? Will he find bliss, which here he dreamed ? Rest, which was weariness on earth ? Knowledge, which, if o'er life it beamed, Served but to prove it void of worth ? Will he find love without lust's leaven, Love fearless, tearless, perfect, pure, To all with equal bounty given, In all, unfeigned, unfailing, sure ? Will he, from penal sufferings free, Released from shroud and wormy clod, All calm and glorious, rise and see Creation's Sire­Existence' God ? Then, glancing back on Time's brief woes, Will he behold them, fading, fly; Swept from Eternity's repose, Like sullying cloud, from pure blue sky ? If so­endure, my weary frame; And when thy anguish strikes too deep, And when all troubled burns life's flame, Think of the quiet, final sleep; Think of the glorious waking-hour, Which will not dawn on grief and tears, But on a ransomed spirit's power, Certain, and free from mortal fears. Seek now thy couch, and lie till morn, Then from thy chamber, calm, descend, With mind nor tossed, nor anguish-torn, But tranquil, fixed, to wait the end. And when thy opening eyes shall see Mementos, on the chamber wall, Of one who has forgotten thee, Shed not the tear of acrid gall. The tear which, welling from the heart, Burns where its drop corrosive falls, And makes each nerve, in torture, start, At feelings it too well recalls: When the sweet hope of being loved, Threw Eden sunshine on life's way; When every sense and feeling proved Expectancy of brightest day. When the hand trembled to receive A thrilling clasp, which seemed so near, And the heart ventured to believe, Another heart esteemed it dear. When words, half love, all tenderness, Were hourly heard, as hourly spoken, When the long, sunny days of bliss, Only by moonlight nights were broken. Till drop by drop, the cup of joy Filled full, with purple light, was glowing, And Faith, which watched it, sparkling high, Still never dreamt the overflowing. It fell not with a sudden crashing, It poured not out like open sluice; No, sparkling still, and redly flashing, Drained, drop by drop, the generous juice. I saw it sink, and strove to taste it, My eager lips approached the brim; The movement only seemed to waste it, It sank to dregs, all harsh and dim. These I have drank, and they for ever Have poisoned life and love for me; A draught from Sodom's lake could never More fiery, salt, and bitter, be. Oh ! Love was all a thin illusion; Joy, but the desert's flying stream; And, glancing back on long delusion, My memory grasps a hollow dream. Yet, whence that wondrous change of feeling, I never knew, and cannot learn, Nor why my lover's eye, congealing, Grew cold, and clouded, proud, and stern. Nor wherefore, friendship's forms forgetting, He careless left, and cool withdrew; Nor spoke of grief, nor fond regretting, Nor even one glance of comfort threw. And neither word nor token sending, Of kindness, since the parting day, His course, for distant regions bending, Went, self-contained and calm, away. Oh, bitter, blighting, keen sensation, Which will not weaken, cannot die, Hasten thy work of desolation, And let my tortured spirit fly ! Vain as the passing gale, my crying; Though lightning-struck, I must live on; I know, at heart, there is no dying Of love, and ruined hope, alone. Still strong, and young, and warm with vigour, Though scathed, I long shall greenly grow, And many a storm of wildest rigour Shall yet break o'er my shivered bough. Rebellious now to blank inertion, My unused strength demands a task; Travel, and toil, and full exertion, Are the last, only boon I ask. Whence, then, this vain and barren dreaming Of death, and dubious life to come ? I see a nearer beacon gleaming Over dejection's sea of gloom. The very wildness of my sorrow Tells me I yet have innate force; My track of life has been too narrow, Effort shall trace a broader course. The world is not in yonder tower, Earth is not prisoned in that room, 'Mid whose dark pannels, hour by hour, I've sat, the slave and prey of gloom. One feeling­turned to utter anguish, Is not my being's only aim; When, lorn and loveless, life will languish, But courage can revive the flame. He, when he left me, went a roving To sunny climes, beyond the sea; And I, the weight of woe removing, Am free and fetterless as he. New scenes, new language, skies less clouded, May once more wake the wish to live; Strange, foreign towns, astir, and crowded, New pictures to the mind may give. New forms and faces, passing ever, May hide the one I still retain, Defined, and fixed, and fading never, Stamped deep on vision, heart, and brain. And we might meet­time may have changed him; Chance may reveal the mystery, The secret influence which estranged him; Love may restore him yet to me. False thought­false hope­in scorn be banished ! I am not loved­nor loved have been; Recall not, then, the dreams scarce vanished, Traitors ! mislead me not again ! To words like yours I bid defiance, 'Tis such my mental wreck have made; Of God alone, and self-reliance, I ask for solace­hope for aid. Morn comes­and ere meridian glory O'er these, my natal woods, shall smile, Both lonely wood and mansion hoary I'll leave behind, full many a mile. Charlotte Bronte frances reminds me of baudelaire: De profundis clamavi J'implore ta pitié, Toi, l'unique que j'aime, Du fond du gouffre obscur où mon coeur est tombé. C'est un univers morne à l'horizon plombé, Où nagent dans la nuit l'horreur et le blasphème; Un soleil sans chaleur plane au-dessus six mois, Et les six autres mois la nuit couvre la terre; C'est un pays plus nu que la terre polaire — Ni bêtes, ni ruisseaux, ni verdure, ni bois! Or il n'est pas d'horreur au monde qui surpasse La froide cruauté de ce soleil de glace Et cette immense nuit semblable au vieux Chaos; Je jalouse le sort des plus vils animaux Qui peuvent se plonger dans un sommeil stupide, Tant l'écheveau du temps lentement se dévide! — Charles Baudelaire I'm addicted to Le Vampyre by Charles Baudelaire as well..Where are the days where i was sitting in the library reading and copying poetry...

and it goes on

The goods:
-pay raise and bonus
-lots of goodies on my way! swiss post tote , asus prime , jade bracelet (this thing costed $$$ to be replaced..as i wanted 88 beads as my lost one), craft calendar
-internet to be activated tomorrow

the bad:
-i'm on probation..17 lates for last year T_T
-lost my keys, my jade bracelet and now my clarisonic has stopped working
-a hole in my bathroom room roof
-pay taxi for 16 sundays because i start at 9 am and there is no bus
-my first overnight on christmas

well it could be worse???

accomplishments

bravo
-packed at 90%-we've the keys
-booked moving van
-called to open electricity a/c
-finished my calendar pages and mailed them-collage stuffs
-bought a genuine swiss army vintage blanket-wooohooo. it;s thick, scratchy but warm
-moved all my lavender plants to new condo

failed
-appear as a moron as i get mixed up/confused in conversations w/ co-workers
-shedding hair..too many.. *cries*
-too stressed
-need to sleep properly

and IT is now available for pre-order.ZOMG..and i've no money to buy it now..

Addicted to the scientist by coldplay and modern family. That series is sweet. The simpsons is getting worse :/

I have been MIA and all my photos from china are sitting on my hard drive waiting to be resized and uploaded. I'm such a lazy ass. I've also been feeling under the weather.

We're moving in 15 days and as much as I am excited to have somewhere new to go, it is stressful to be surrounded by boxes and to know that the next room is only for one year or so until we find a house and for how long... Often I want to drop everything and run away: become a gypsy, live day by day although I know I need a certain level of comfort. I would not mind trying back packing though. I need to run away, a break from routine and the daily blablabla of people. Aren't people bored to do only small talks or gossip??

I am getting more stupid day by day and instead of blaming my job, I should try to find ways to keep my brain sharp. One goal is to practice calligraphy again. It helps to destress and keeps my mind busy in a good way. Origami does the same thing but I'm left wondering what to do with all these folded animals. For some reason, I am stressed and shedding hair (as if I could afford that). Today I was thinking how I have no reason to be stressed. I know my job at the tip of my fingers-almost- and I've a job. I get paid and I've a roof.

It's like my ever so perfect me needs to control everything: I am worried when my calls are not perfect, when my manager is not talking to me, when I am not talking to my colleagues in case they think I am rude. sh*t why do I have to be that self conscious and what's MY problem? The world does not evolve around me.Why am I making things harder in my head all the time? I need to grow up and someone to punch me in my face and it's just a job..not even a prestigious one.

JGZ was like how even if I found the meaning of my life, I'll still be like "bleh" so why bother? so why not start living and appreciating everything instead of trying to control and be perfect or meet people's expectation (or my expectation of what they "expect" from me). Sh*t shoot that overworking/thinking brain..

near confucius temple

The joy of a warm cup of ginseng oolong tea..

room mate issues

so we've been emptying the recycle for 3 months now and my cousin never does it and if she does she pick up only what is hers. Fine before leaving for china i am going to empty the recycle bin with what only is mine. fair enough right?

she also was the one who insisted on breaking the lease at the end of the year because my sil is coming and she was going to find another room mate (afraid to lose the master bedroom?). now she is backing up on her words, saying how she could stay with us until my sil comes so that she can save money and contribute to our mortgage as my brother is looking for a house. i'm sorry if we move at the end of the year: cousin's out. i can't imagine living in a house with someone who does not clean but yet criticize your way of living like how we spilled oil etc and when she cooks, does she clean her spills? nada...and how often do i have to empty the fridge of her rotting food?

once my brother comes back we'll do the recycle bin separately. each time we emptied it she filled it out with her crap and if she does empty, she only removes what is hers. sorry i'm not that blind and i'm not interested in talking to her since we'll be out of lease in 3 months anyway. i just need to confirm with my brother where we'll move. my only regret is that we're in a highly convenient spot but 2 bedrooms and den is too much for two people so we'll look for 2 bedrooms no den. even if it's house, two bedrooms only. my brother wants 3 bedroom and i think he's out of his mind..as if he has the money *roll eyes*

hmm no i am going to leave the recycle as it is. when i come back after 3 weeks and if it is the same thing, which i am sure it'll be, then i'll remove what is ours and leave hers. simple enough.

getting ready

almost..for my trip. the only part of the word"ready" i am ready for are my travel docs..need to get my camera batteries, test my tamron 28-75 mm more and what else? oh..I forgot..I need to buy wedding clothes..Damn..At least I have the shoes???

I'm making a care package for my sister in law. I have no clue what to give to her and I'm too broke to buy anything expensive like jewellery. I'm putting together some body lotion, body wash, scented candles, face masks, lip gloss and will add a body mist and some candies with a note that these are goodies to take care of herself until we meet in Canada. Then when she comes here I'll most probably take her shopping.

I got most of my items from Bath and Body works. I don't think they carry it in Beijing. Although I'm not a bath and body works consumer except for their Slatkin & Co candles, I think they have such a variety that anyone will find something to their liking. Unlike the body shop and fruit and passion, their scents are yummier. We will see as I know some people love their products-pretty affordable. I also discovered their arometherapy line and the next item on my list is their Lavender-Vanilla bed mist.

My sister in law Z is the "pink cutesy hello kitty" style..like most asian girls from china-japan so I think these products will suit her. I'm trying to make it pink and maybe add a cute plush-key ring. Hmm I know might as well add some Canadian items to give her a foretaste of canada :P This will be when I get my next paycheck..sadly..

I'm exhausted lately and need to recharge myself. Today I had a customer who used the fword during the whole call and I should have asked her to stop but I did not want to bother. My brain was brain dead (imagine the horizontal line on the wave screen) and her words slid on me like water. Just managed to get all her info to get her claim package sent out. Seriously why bother..The week-end was hell due to the weather: Irene oh Irene :/

oh what a day is today

unfortunately I cannot sing like Ingrid Michealson. I got hit by a man in a motorized wheelchair yelling at me if I am fucking deaf o.O; For my own defence, I had my earphones on with Linkin Park playing. I did hear honking but the LAST thing I would have expected is someone BEHIND me honking. Actually I hit him when I was turning back to see who was honking in the street. Jeezus. I hope this closes the day because if there's more to come, let me know so that I can go to bed.

Many things happened since yesterday with my brother's visa, cranky uncle and of course cranky customers that is making me hate who I am. Like Shakespeare said so well: When sorrows come they come not in single spies but in battlions. *puh confidence..confidence..act and stop reacting to external stimuli!!

I need a good book to escape into and a good night sleep. The rest of the world can screw itself.

bilberry longchamps

I was able to snatch one off ebay for $115. i have to admit i did not bid smartly since it was at $86 and I bid too early: 2 mins before ending time. Could have gotten it for < $100. Still it's not a bad deal for a L bilberry bag considering they are $200 tax incl in Canada-the price of my last L size graphite long champs pliage bag. In US, they are $145. With the high CND $, $115 is still ok.

Now I need to get my hands on an orange and taupe one. Call me crazy, these bags are addictive and so versatile.

Shanghai here I come

Itinerary changed from Chengdhu to Shanghai and you bet it breaks my heart. I wanted to see the leshan buddha so bad and the jigaizuh park (sorry about the bad spelling). So we won't see 2 unesco sites and go to Shanghai instead *shrug* because of the floods, whatever happening in Chengdhu sh*t

The good side? The tour is costing less. I'm trying to focus on the positive side. My initial plan was to return earlier to Canada and go to Montreal, but then decided to stick to the tour instead of being bitter about the change in plan. I see Shanghai as another Toronto but filled with Chinese. Who knows I might be surprised?

I finally purchased the tamron 28-75 mm lens. As per the reviews, it's a good macro and zoom lens. I hope to have time to play with it before leaving as it has been purchased from a Canadian ebay seller and lens are so freaking expensive.

I've also been walking with a colleague almost every afternoon-good to get some exercise- and I learned some surprising things about some people...office gossips :P but then who am I to judge these people anyway. Still I was like "what???? are you KIDDING me??" What I heard does not match the face at all :-0

I'm so tired (I wonder if there is a time where I am NOT tired?) and have a long champs pliage bag obsessions despite owning 4 of them ><;

incense

picture source

Today I woke up (late) with the thought that it has been a long while since I smelled incense. The smell of burning incense-sandalwood is something that has pervaded my childhood. When I lived with my grand mother as a kid, my sleep would be half broken as she got out of bed at 5 am, followed by my grand father who went out to buy bread. Soon the house was filled with the smell of incense as she did her morning prayer. I still remember her infront of Tin Ti Koung, her mala beads in hand as she recited her daily prayer. It was a peaceful day: grand mother kneeling and praying- the morning sun filtering through the window, the slow rise of the incense smoke, her voice and the noise of boiling water followed by the yummy smell of vanilla-bois cherie tea.

At home, my dad would wake up at 5 am and do his round of prayers: 3 incense sticks infront of Tin Ti Koung, 3 infront of Pao Koung and 3 next to Kwung Yin, Ti Koun and Fut Chu. They always go by set of 3 or odd numbers as my mother would say. 2 hours later, it would be my mother's turn to light up the incense.

Each first Sunday of the month would be the routine tour to all pagodas in Port Louis: La Rue Magon-Ah Fi Si, Les Salines for Tin Ti Koung and next to Champs de Mars-Amin Koo.

My dad would always use the big incenses and my mom the skinny ones. I recalled how each time I struggled to remember the number of incense sticks you had to light at each pagoda (1 or 3 for each god depending on his importance) and after a while I wanted to use the bigger incense sticks like dad because they were cooler, which I did... and ended going back to the skinny ones because it was too much of a hassle to carry 20 big sticks in your hand.

Countless number of times, I burned myself from the falling incense cinders. I would finish my Sunday trip at the pagodas with both hands stained yellow from sandalwood powder or fuchsia from the incense sticks and smoky clothes. Then off to dim sum or buy bread for lunch. These days looked like they would last forever. Every Sunday Afternoon dad would play mah jong with my cousins and a friend.

Why am I having these memories now?? Scenes from the past flashing in my mind, leaving a longing to go back home to the days where you thought the sun would always shine over the rainbow. (It still does but time is making me more cynical). Why do I remember some things and not others? What trigger these memories? Why does a part of us always long for a past long gone. Is it because what we knew is more comforting than what we don't know or have yet to know? Why do we bother with memories from 9 years ago or things said and done in the past? When do we forgive ourselves and move on. How do we choose what to remember and what to forget?

Some days I want to lie down and immerse myself in my memories like a child cuddling next to her favorite "doudou" plush toy: the familiarity,security and comfort of known things..long gone..

I ended paying $25 for the taxi which sums my taxi expenses to $ 125 this month because I had early or late work hours with no bus hours. Such a waste of money. My shift was at 7 am but in my head, I had to wake up at 6 am to take the bus when it should have been 5:30 am. Drat, deal with it now. It was a slow but busy day although a part of me was not there..

**partly inspired by "what is it" by Lynda Barry. GET IT people!

wiped out

I'm in love with these two websites:

http://comics.lucyknisley.com- I can really relate to her

http://www.pikaland.com- eye candy

<3 illustrator sites. Feeling wiped out after waking up at 5 am for work. I'm so not functional today :/ note to self: surround myself with men who cook. If i hear one more time what's for dinner (from my brother) i'm going to break something :/ seriously..

blogger is refusing to upload my print screen..and i'm too tired to fight with it..

random rambling

I guess sleeping at midnight to wake up at 5:30 AM everyday is not what I would call a smart choice. I had a look at my face before lunch today and I was like WTF: puffy eyes and dark under circles which were not visible from my bathroom mirror (incandescent light.. misleading..fluorescent lights.. evil!). My body is still adjusting to my new hours and a few times I crashed in bed only to wake up the following day-when I am off.

I did some cleaning-my life has been limited to cleaning, eat and sleep lately :/ and need to list some stuffs on ebay. Hoarding is baaaaadddd..

I managed to pull 5 bags of supplies and I need to sell some of my sanrio items: hoarding from my uni years. Getting rid of some Danier coin purses as well. I'm an impulsive shopper and easily lured by colours so I can easily buy 2-3 items just because they have lovely colours. Fall trend also looks like it'll be the colours I dig: burgundy, deep purple, vintage gray, deep cool blueeessss all in the richer earth-autumnal tones. Note to self: stay away from the mall.

I also found my cds from 2000-2005 and it was a trip down memory lane: Covenant, Apoptygma Berzerk, Placebo, Assemblage 123, The Cure, Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, Silverchair.. and my taste has not changed. It's funny to have CDs with Silverchair as kids when now they're full grown adults. Times flies.

Also spent some time cutting papers for bookbinding. There's something destressing about cutting papers: the repetitive act of measuring and cutting has a soothing effect on the brain. It's the same feeling when you grind-mix ink before doing chinese calligraphy, as if you empty the brain of all the junk and concentrate on one simple act. Now I have to bind them. I have 3 folders of 12x12 papers and I know I will never be able to use them since I don't do scrapbooking, only visual journalling so better use the papers to bind future journals where I can ramble to my heart content...I write more than I talk in real life. How sad is that?

We're almost midway in summer. Can you believe that? Most of my days are in the office and I still have to see more of Toronto parks especially the Scarborough bluffs and I just learned about wasaga beach! Need to make an extra effort to make that happen before it gets too cold. And I'm soooo tempted by Rouge park however going there alone does not tempt me too much since it looks like one huge park compared to High Park and other places. Sucks to be a lone hiker.

Also had my hair cut and I was given a bob cut that becomes longer at the front because of my round face. One thing has not changed though: bad and bed hair day..everyday..I don't have straight chopstick asian hair. Mine has a wave-curl depending on the days but it always look messy. Apparently it's a common issue with wavy-curly hair. I have fine hair as well so any hair products or processing is a big NO NO. Don't want to lose more than what I am losing already with the stress and high chlorinated water *smirk* we'll see although it was time to chop them off. It started looking like a bush growing out of shape :/

save me from drowning

summer is here

The heat in Toronto is intolerable. On Sunday I saw someone flying a kite and it was sweet. I've not seen kites in the sky for years. It's good to see how some traditional games are still played. There was also a red moon on Sunday night. I thought I would be able to take a picture but the moon was over the lake so not visible from my balcony :(

I also had an interview for a position at the back end. After the interview, I decided to remove myself from the competition. It's mainly admin work with regular hours which is perfect if the salary was not 3k below what I am currently earning. Doing a quick maths, the biweekly salary will be just enough for my monthly rent making 50% salary in rent, keeping in mind that now we are sharing between 3 people and at the end of the year, it will be two and i will pay more. I'm willing to grind my teeth until I get something better and higher pay. I am not alone in this job feeling crappy but bills have to be paid and some have it worse. I know some who work TWO jobs although they earn more than I do.

this is discouraging how you have to work yourself to death.

brain farts

seriously..I just returned home by taxi after my midnight shift only to realize that there was a bus at 12:05 today..which could have saved me $21 in taxi fees. It slipped out of my mind although I checked the schedules earlier during the day. It is tomorrow that I am supposed to take the taxi as the last bus is 8 pm on holiday/sunday T_T brain fart indeed

Just like 2 days ago my colleage was asking me :jambe- leg, pied- foot?? and I was like ??????? and told him 3 times that I did not understand him. He was simply asking if jambe in french is leg in english and pied is foot in english. For some reason, i had a brain fart where it was like ????? in my head and I was like: what???wtf is he asking about leg-jambe etc.. *shake head* It's nothing new that I overthink and overanalyze to the point where I end up looking and being dumb.

argh..*pull hair*

lemming a tamron 28-75 mm lens for my trip..500 bucks.. :/

this body is getting old

Breaking out like crazy, and I need to call my doctor for an appointment. Got rashes on both arms, feet rash not going away and I might need a minor outpatient surgery for something. I just have to confirm that when I see the doctor and not to forget the dentist next week. Also need new contact lenses..

I do believe most is stress related..le sigh..

At least weekly combat class helps. I did it twice last week and it was so much better although with my new schedule I can only do it once a week.

Also <3 quinoa after tofu..might replace rice in my plate. yummy. will try to do sushi on monday. let's cross fingers and toes..

restless

Feeling restless lately and the new system at work is giving me headaches. it's not complicated but the perfectionist in me needs to have everything right so each time I forget something etc. I am like argh..I also get confused because I have the tendency to read off the screen (versus before where you did not have to do the notes while on the phone). Well I'm still trying to find ways improve myself and it does bug me how simple calls that were under 10 mins are over 10 mins because of the new system.

They changed my seat again but at least I won't be next to an empty desk. What sucks is that I won't be able to gossip with C :(

Finished walking 20 mins from Sq One to my apart. I did not feel like taking the bus and it was so nice to feel the wind in my face. The only mistake I made was to stuff myself with a green tea frappuccino. Days are too hot for a relaxing walk. I'm home sick. I often found myself gazing at the city lights and traffic, missing home. Over a year in Toronto and something is amissed.

My appointment with the dentist was ..interesting..and now I understand why kids have a fear of dentists..Seriously I was like WTF. The cleaning part was ok but painful. the filling part was.. torture...ok close to.. Because it's my inner teeth that needed fillings, I had something inserted in my mouth to keep it open (ZOMG so often I thought I was choking), and they inserted all kinds of weird instruments in my mouth and even numbed half of it. I was like: since when do you numb the mouth for fillings???? OK dentists here are supposed to be more sophisticated than the ones in Mauritius..still add that to the fact I had to keep my jaw opened for 1 hr for cleaning, it was not a very pleasant experience. Then off to work.

I have another appointment again for 2 hours but I am going to break it in 2 because I don't want to have to keep my freaking jaw opened for 2 hrs. I might have to get my wisdom teeth removed and I will do it on a Friday and take the week-end one *devil grin*

Last week-end was my first and last week-end off until December and it was the most interesting. It feels different to be off on a week day and on a week-end. There is less traffic and less noise in the street esp. on Sunday. Nice for a "grasse matinée" . Had my combat class with an instruction who looked like the boy's bf and at one pt I was wondering if it was a he or she. I still miss Kelly, the best combat instructor I had so far. The other don't take time to explain the movements properly and are too busy singing the song. *shrug*

Did some journalling as well and here goes another week

souvenirs

chut...je reve...

summer is flying

this is what i do during lunch when i work week-ends: feed birds..lol

and all i've seen so far is the background of the office. I guess you can never be happy satisfied when working shifts (with the assigned schedules) and now Monday and Friday are my off days until December. No time to enjoy patios, summer fests, food fests, BBQs and all of a sudden you are thrown into the red, orange colours of fall and dullness of winter. 2 more months before fall!! ZOMG

I find life in ssauga sucks shit and I live in a suburb and building full of m... I feel cruddy. Complaining is not going to lead anywhere. Well there's always next summer??

I feel a bit bummed that I missed Pride an the absence of TO mayor created quite some noise.

note to self: Mary Poppins musicals coming in Nov

I have fallen behind in my creative endeavours. It has been weeks since I touched my journal and I have a few trades to complete *sigh* I need motivation, inspiration and sleep! Today I had a 6 am shift and slept for 4 hrs. Stress? I like early morning shifts: to be able to gaze at the sky, the sunrise, quietness of the streets and the few lights from houses/condos, the smell of sleep on people-not pleasant and yummy scent of coffee.

Most wild life are active at dusk or dawn. I did not spot any deers this time but saw a wild rabbit crossing old derry road before the bus. Thanks god it was not run over. Saw a wood pecker as well and a few birds I rarely see during the day.

Also went to see the dentist and had an unpleasant surprise. I do acknowledge it is my fault for having skipped my annual dental exam those past years (The dentist I loved passed away-he treated me since I was a kid- and since then my mother has been going to some shady dentist in china town. I dislike his service. He does teeth cleaning without gloves and jeez..icky) The damage: 6 cavities (sh*t!!!) and gum inflammation. The result: 3-4 future visits to the dentist for cavity fillings, deep cleaning and possibly pulling out my wisdom teeth. The only thought I had in mind was :my poor wallet.

I always thought I had good dental hygiene but apparently I am brushing and flossing the wrong way. Maybe the nightmares about my teeth falling out were premonitions. The dentist said I had some bone loss and all this time I thought some space was due to my wisdom teeth pushing my other teeth ><; shuck..I even mentioned that to the shady dentist who saw nothing wrong. This is so ironical given that I used to have teeth in top condition as per my dentist who passed away.

Jeezzz.. At least I can prevent the condition from worsening. I knew something was wrong when I started having tooth pain on my lower left side (first tooth pain since I lost my milk teeth!! I never had cavities before. I guess there's a beginning to everything or is it old age??). Today I called my dentist for an earlier appointment since the teeth are bothering me, it's painful on and off. I even skipped sushi dinner because of that! Co-workers planned a sushi dinner and because of the pain I decided not to go although I confirmed my presence-pain was not that bad on Monday.

The joy of teeth and I already know it will cost me $ 800 for my next appointment for filling and cleaning. At least I have insurance. It's all I can think about. The cavities are minor as per my dentist and there's not much work but still it'll be $ 902 for 6 teeth. I don't even want to think what it would cost for bigger cavities!

On the bright side, I got myself a fuji instax 25s. Yay for polaroid :) It'll make my art journalling more interesting. They're just too cute. I wished I was more asian. sometimes it looks fun to act fobby and make fish faces and v sign xD

My new schedule is in and it's not that bad. 7 am to 3 pm everyday, 2 days off in the week and all week-end. I grumbled because I did not have 2 days in a row off but let's see the good side: I work 2 days then off and 3 days then off. It makes the week shorter.

I sacrificed my week-ends to have early shifts, free afternoons. Not a bad deal and I doubt I'll trade with anyone. Enough said. I'm tired and trying to find back my motivation for doing my job. My May audit was good and my Q2 much better than Q1 but there's still a long way to go. It sucks..

I had my industrial/scaffold piercing done and so far so good. It hurts.. T_T When I told that to the boy (he googled industrial piercing), his only comment was "poor ear"..Lower back tattoo is next. What bothers is is that healing time is said to be 2 months as per the piercer but as per people who were pierced, it is as long as a year since it's a cartilage piercing. I can't remember how long it took for my right ear and one hole heals faster than 2 holes hold by a barbell.

I like it although right now it's a bit swollen, red and painful which is normal within the few days- weeks after the piercing. If it was not that painful, I would have love to have a cage or a rook but I don't want to go through the piercing pain again. You DO feel it when they pierce the cartilage and since it's hard, they have to apply pressure and it's like when you push a needle through hard leather. I could feel the needle pushing the "meat". Hurts more than getting your ear lobes done. Yikes..

Mary Poppins is coming to Toronto as a musical show. It's amongst my favourite Disney movies so you bet I have to see it. I won't do the same error as with Tim Burton where I waited the last minute and never went to see the expo. I feel so bad about it.

I have been stuffing myself with "O fortuna" by Carl Off and songs by Era. Latin is sexy. To understand the translated words of O fortuna make the song even sweeter. The boy does not understand why I want to learn a dead language. Latin reminds me of biology courses where my teacher would translate the different names, origins and roots. Understanding them was like having a "aha!" moment. I think it's cool to be able to understand some texts in their original language since so much can be lost in translation.

Been also stuffing myself with books by Richard Dawkins. There's a passage where he mentioned how knowing the origin/cause of something did not decrease its value but increased our sense of wonder which is something I always thought and could relate to e.g. knowing that a rainbow is made by the reflection of light on raindrops etc. does nothing to change my sense of wonder on seeing a rainbow.

Some people think science is cold and materialist but wait until you listen to a scientist speak about the beauty of science. My chemistry teacher was like that, speaking of the beauty of chemical reactions, of chemical bonds etc.. which is weird because beauty is not a word you would associate with science especially at the molecular level. I can still remember her expression perfectly: a smile and twinkling eyes as she described the reactions and energy changes involved.

It's the same beauty I see in Biology, the beauty how everything fits perfectly although there is no designer, the amazing process of evolution etc. Last time I was coming from Tim Horton and saw 2 hawks gliding over our office building. It was amazing to see how they glide in the sky, this easiness and the shape of their wings. They were like kites. No wonder birds look "free" to us when they fly.

I should stop rambling..

mattress is there

at last..and security let them in. the best part was my laptop was on and opened on the webpage "sears suck". yay!! and they still suck- can't doc cases properly, make you pay for special when they don't follow the instructions , you call zillion of times-8 calls ... and y,x and z know nothing . puh!

more mattress headache

Just got a call from sears delivery that they are coming in 20 mins. I was like WTF..My PAID delivery (had to pay for special time slot) is between 4-6 pm. I advised him that and he had the guts to tell me to just book the elevator. SCREW YOU. I did not pay $ 75 for special for you to come earlier because non special delivery are FREE. Do you think, I requested a special time slot because I was feeling generous and wanted to give 75 extra to your company??????

Called sears scheduling who are not aware of anything-says they don't do timed delivery, called the store, redirected to customer service who said they did put a notice and to call delivery. Now the lady on the phone from delivery said that the driver will try his best to accommodate my request. Try his best?? SCREW YOU. you better be there between 4- 6 pm because I have no booking for that damn elevator other times. I'm so pissed and frustrated. If my instructions are not followed, I'm so going to call sears and log a complaint for non respect of instruction and get my $ 75 back. Corporate companies SUCK dick: fast to take your money but slow to read instructions, deliver etc..

Gosh I am so not going to buy any mattress from them in the future. Next time I'm off to a smaller company with better service. The fact that I've been sleeping on a floor mattress for several days is doing nothing to improve my mood as well. jeez. Too bad there's no combat classes today :/ I'm wasting my vacation for a mattress.

life set back ad annoyances

So I took 2 days off work only to be waiting for a mattress and having people get on my nerves. In the end, it's frustrating to live in a condo. I'm also looking for a family doctor. My cousin referred me to hers but he's closing down due to family/personal issues. Although healthcare is "free" it is such a complicated and tedious system.

I had a rant about my mattress but blogger was down so I am calmer now. I could not get my mattress due to a moron at the front desk giving me the wrong info. So mattress is scheduled to be delivered for today. What pisses me off is that I waited for 6 hrs for the delivery and in the end, I had to pay $75 for timed delivery as the slot I was given and elevator slots were not matching. That's life. Maybe I've been given too many things when I was a kid so that I am easily frustrated by things. I had reasons to be mad for the mattress though because I was given the wrong info TWICE: on the phone and when I went to the desk.

I missed my taebo class as well (was on the phone waiting for sears to reschedule which they could do after 7 hrs..) Seriously. At least my current job enables me to learn how to be a bitchy customer on the phone. I'm usually the passive-agressive type but now I am learning how to be more vocal when pissed because if customers are willing to make your life miserable because of a company, well why can't I? especially if it is justified..

Jeez should get all my frustration out doing combat classes than bitch..seriously :(

migraine

oh holy mattress, where are thou? migraine again, on my day off. Looking forward to:

-getting my thick and comfy mattress

-facial at pure and simple (breaking out again)

-my approved holidays (please don't disappoint me)

-try to meet C next week

Keane "somewhere we belong" is stuck in my head.."oh simple things..where have you gone.. i'm getting older and need something to rely on..".. yeah i'm getting old and exhausted at .. 30 *glup* years old.

trip to china

Jiuzhaigou valley- from here

My trip to China is slowly taking shape and I am crossing fingers for my vacation to be approved-will know next wednesday- and get an affordable quotation from the agent in China. So far the itinerary includes Tian Jin where my brother's wedding will take place, Chendghu-to go to Leshan Mt and Buddha, Mount Emei and Huanglong-Jiuzhaigou and Datong-hanging monastery and Yungang grottos.

So far the pictures I have seen are really nice and lots of hiking and nature which is something I really need. Once my vacations are confirmed and the trip, I'm planning to purchase either a Teva Omnium or Keen hiking sandals. I tried the keen whisper model today and it was so comfortable. They have a soft-flexible heel as my Arcpro birkinstock sandals and are closed but with mesh adding more protection to the foot. The sole also looks good enough not to slip. I do love my Arcpro but need something that is closed. I'm also thinking of travelling light, that is not bring a suitcase. I'm not planning to buy much in china, maybe tea and souvenirs and don't want to carry a 23 kilos suitcase from train to bus to train to airplane.

I'm also saving to buy a zoom lens for my canon dslr. will get a third party one: Tamron since I can't afford a canon one. I'm not good enough to handle pro lenses anyway. woohoo let's hope next week will be a good week. My brother is also coming back on the 4th. June.

why i love french language

Quatre mots sur un piano, ceux qu'elle a laissés
Quatre c'est autant de trop, je sais compter
Quatre vents sur un passé, mes rêves envolés
Mais qu'aurait donc cet autre que je n'ai ?
Ne le saurai-je jamais

Cas très banal, cliché, dénouement funeste
Trois moins deux qui s'en vont, ça fait moi qui reste
Caresses, égards et baisers, je n'ai pas su faire
La partager me soufflait Lucifer
Depuis je rêve d'enfer

Moi j'aurais tout fait pour elle, pour un simple mot
Que lui donne l'autre que je n'offrirais ?
Elle était mon vent mes ailes, ma vie en plus beau
Etait-elle trop belle ou suis-je trop sot ?
N'aime-t-on jamais assez ?
Quatre années belles à pleurer, maigre résumé
Cartes jouées mais la reine s'est cachée
Quatre millions de silences, de regrets qui dansent
Les questions, les soupirs et les sentences
Je préférais ses absences

Moi j'aurais tant fait pour elle, pour boire à son eau
Que lui donne l'autre que je n'offrirais ?
Elle était mon vent mes ailes, ma vie en plus beau
Mais était-elle trop belle, ou bien nous trop sots ?
N'aime-t-on jamais assez

Vous étiez ma vie comme la nuit et le jour
Vous deux, nouez, filiez mon parfait amour
Un matin vous m'avez condamnée à choisir
Je ne vous aimais qu'à deux
Je vous laisse, adieu
Choisir serait nous trahir

Mais qu'aurait donc cet autre que je n'ai ?
Ne le saurai-je jamais ?
La partager me soufflait Lucifer
Depuis je rêve d'enfer

written by jean jacques goldman and sung with patrick fiori. goldman is such a poet

and one that means a lot to me. written by goldman and sung by pagni and natacha stpier

song of the lonely duck

It seems that each time I am off work, it's to be down with migraine..

I went to High Park to see the sakuras and spotted 1 swan, 3 cardinals, 2 chipmunks, lots red wing blackbirds and their females, canadian gooses, some ducks and too many homo sapiens. ugh..

I thought I would escape the week-end crowd by going during the week: WRONG. If it's not the locals, it's the tourists and weirdly it was asian nation in high park last Tuesday :/ I'm Asian as well but one thing that irked me was how noisy these people are in general. Here you are: walking quietly along a path, savouring the silence and the wind in the trees, then BANG..this peaceful picture is shattered as a group of 4 people walked by talking loudly in their language (I came to accept that talking loudly is part of the chinese culture but jeezzz...) 3 times I missed taking pictures of birds as some loud person passed by causing my photo subject to fly away. One woman was yelling at a swan :hello hello... then byeeeeeeee... *roll eyes*

The sakuras were beautiful and this couple too:

My point and shoot camera batteries died on me and I managed to play with my dsl although my pictures were not that great-colors are off on my macbook pro- and I forgot the user manual at home. Hehehe

My favourite spot was next to the lonely goose: less people although too close to the highway. I definitely need to go back in the incoming week. I assume once the sakuras blooms have fallen, less people will be there.

Another park I want to visit is Rouge Park although it's 2 hours by bus from where I am and much bigger than Highpark. Let's hope I won't get lost. I felt energized after 3 hours in High Park. My mind had a deserved rest from the street noise, appliances buzz etc in the condo. I need to find closer parks though..maybe the Meadowvale conservation area???

Jeez my head hurts..Started exercising again which is good to get rid of tension caused by stress. 7 days of rain in Mississauga. How interesting.

I <3 my kindle and my cheese order from L'Abbaye St Benoit. So delicious! I got my order within 2 days and I love their St Augustin cheese. Maybe I should order a whole cheese...I should live in Quebec..seriously..their bread, cheese, pate and charcuterie are above those in Toronto-Mississauga..

next week goal

sneak to high park to watch sakuras in bloom. i finally found the name of the bird that was puzzling me: red-winged backbird . it's such a beauty :) hope to spot some chipmunks as well since high park is the only place where i saw them back in my uni years.

spring is in the air

Nothing can compare to the smell of spring: the air is cool, with a small breeze, it smells "new". Trees budding, new birds appearing and never mind the worms everywhere. At least it shows that the soil is healthy. So many people underestimate the work of those little guys-I know they look gross-.

I'm in the middle of reading "The God delusion" and "Misquoting Jesus" and it's really interesting.

I'm learning quite a few interesting things like Jesus was a Jewish teacher as per the scriptures (pardon my ignorance if this is universal knowledge), the word apologia was once used as "in defence of" compared to its modern meaning which is the very opposite since we use it to say I am sorry, possible confusion about the interpretation of the word"virgin" standing for young maid hence the possible confusion about virgin Mary, that Islam-Judaism-Christianity all stem from Abraham and the issues of the scriptures etc... and of course the ever long debate about God's omniscience and omnipotence.

Kindle is quickly becoming my new best friend. It does lack some features but it's a relief not to have to carry a heavy book everywhere and to get lots of free ebooks online. I've been doing more reading in the past days than since I came to Canada. *does happy dance* Can't wait to download biology text books especially my favourite one on botany by Raven.

People always fail

Lesson learned. Next time i need to have my tax returns done, i'll use those kiosks in the mall than friend of my relative who says she will drop by but does not, and call but did not. I do understand things happen but it won't kill to let me know instead of letting me wait for nothing.

And the other bitch talking as it's because of me that she is dropping by-which she never did and i never ask. I don't need this privilege even less if that person cannot advise when somerhing comes up. I was the one suggesting I move to meet her.

Shit then no one understands why I don't like to rely on people.

ok I'm calmer now. Flakers make me think of a specific someone and it gets so much on my nerves *argh

can't even cut it's summer. ha ha ha

i'm cranky today *throw fist at the world

smittened

by Tangled..and buying the dvd..something VERY rare for me when it comes to movies. Waiting for the Winnie the Pooh movie as well. I'm still a kid at heart and miss classic disney. Glee last week was sweet: loved unpretty by Rachel & Quin and Somewhere Only We belong. I am embarrassed to say that I discover songs through Glee as I've stopped watching TV and listening to the radio (except to wake up but it's on the classic music channel. Honestly who wants to wake up with some teeny bopper screaming. Last time I woke up with "Lakme flowers duet" and it was OMG so delicious *sigh*)

I'm also addicted to keane now. Makes me think of a mix of radiohead (less depressing) and Muse. Must be the british accent?

I feel melancholic, not in depressing way, just some kind of longing for something I don't know..

When I watch the night lights of distant houses/condos, I wonder if the people out there, is someone loving them, thinking of them? My hand against the cold glass, my eyes lost in the dark.

I've always been attracted to house's light like moths to flames. I like gazing at house windows as the bus passes when I have night shifts. I am happy when I see people's silhouettes. It's not voyeurism as honestly I don't give a damn about spying on people, it's just the thought of knowing there's someone there or something.. As usual my words are failing me as I am unable to communicate my thoughts accurately.

Maybe I just feel lonely although I know living with too many people is draining as well. I enjoy people: listening to them, "feel" them, observe them but interacting is altogether another story..

So ipad is out of question for this year. I might wait for ipad 3 as well. If I was not going to China I would have purchased it without blinking but unfortunately there're other priorities. An average estimate for the trip is 3200 including tours and air tickets. We are going to Chengdu for a tour then 2 days cruise on the Yang Tse River and maybe 2 more days in Beijing. We'll see. I;m sure other costs will add up *le sight*

So instead of ipad 2, here comes Kindle 3! It is 1/3 the price of ipad 2 and since I was planning to use the ipad mainly for ebooks, the kindle will do for now. The downside is no colours but it has a nice selection of ebooks over other ereaders and managed to find a source of free ebooks so another reason too buy one. Reading ebooks on your macbook in bed is very uncomfortable.

The reason why I am moving to ebooks is due to the lack of space. I have 5 books boxes back in Mauritius and 3 in Canada plus a bookshelf. Some books are duplicates as they are second hand books purchased to replace the ones I left home. Yes I am one of these people who can read the same book over and over again and I do have a pile of favourite authors that I am never fed up of reading and rereading .

I still love the feel and smell of paper books but need something more practical for my current life style which at this point is "less is more". I guess it'll also help to reduce my waste footprint as long as i don't change ereader every year! can't wait for amazon delivers it.

Jeez head hurts. Happy Easter to everyone although for me it's working day :/

Sometimes I wonder if I am too busy surviving to adapt. Where is my usual resilience?

why are the best things vintage? Yesterday I discovered wet noodles nibs and flex ones. I always had an interest in copperplate type scripts where the letters have different thicknesses according to pressure. So far most nibs I tried were too rigid or scratchy. So I was thrilled to discover waterman and Esterbrook pens with flex nibs. The catch is that they're all vintage-made in the early 1910-1930's and some cost as much as 100 bucks going to over 600 for waterman. Quite depressing you say it. For now I'll just oogle at them from my macbook. Another nice news is that the Paper place is now carrying Rhodia notepads which gives me a good excuse to drop by next wednesday to check the price. Calligraphy helps to discipline my mind when my thoughts are spread all over.

My becoming brave visual journal from 21 secrets is making progress, as well as my 52 pages for my chunky books. Here's my first page with a pocket for a passport picture and notes written inside. I'm planning to do 2-3 pages per theme: body-life-love-work.

I did not follow the instructions to the letter and added bits and pieces according to what I "feel"- yes I am lousy when it comes to instructions-I prefer to figure my way around.

My neck is also much better after my case of torticollis-could not get out of bed: had to slip my body to the end of the bed, put both feet down, then use the left hand to lift my neck-head. When I think of it now, it's quite funny although it was not at the time.

To add to my pain, I had to drag my ass to the doctor to get a medical note as I missed work. I would cringe each time the bus had to stop whether at a bus stop, head lights as the motion made my neck and shoulder hurt. I'm glad it's behind me now. Also dropped by Osmoz on my way home to grab a pita (why not: I was already in pain, it was on my way and there was no way for me to cook with that torticollis) and it tasted like crap T_T Maybe my taste buds were affected as well. Usually their pitas taste great.

I'm also smittened by Tangled. Love the way Disney draw some characters and the part where Flynn says "I know not who you are nor how I found you" then "Hey ...hon.." (or something) is priceless. Just love his expression. I would say the characters expressions in general were really good even her fake mom.

I really need to update my inspiration board. Just realized that the main colour I am attracted to is blue..most hues of blue..

safari killed my post..i'm not happy ><;

nostalgie

i'm tired..exhausted..fed up..

tomorrow is a new day

back to square one

After a week of spring like temperatures, we're back to minus x. oh well. Still it's nice to see some birds coming back on sunny days. I saw an American Robin next to the Mississauga Convention Centre. I was like whaaat... because they are spring-summer birds..An early birdie? I hope the dropping temperatures did not affect it. Saw another predator bird from my window today. I love the way they soar in the sky, it's beautiful..the way they glide so effortlessly. Hmm makes me want to do some kite flying.

I'm in the middle of reading "The story of stuff" and it gave me some food for thought. JGZ says I am a pure capitalist but compared to the average American consumer, I am very tame..The speed at which they buy, hoard or throw away items is scary. One example is my aunt's or even my cousin. I understand the constant hammering of "sales-discounts" etc makes it hard to resist especially if one is an emotional buyer like me but it's not impossible. I just hope not to have my soul eaten up completely by this consumerism society.

I often feel drained here, as if I am under water, choking and struggling to reach the surface. I'm looking for something with meaning, something more than fake smiling faces on tv-ads, something with a substance and the worse I don't know what I am looking for :/ I'm also homesick. Mauritius still sucks but what I missed are the connections and my dogs and my fish and the greenness than live in a fucking concrete condo. Work with the earth, the smell of the rain, the leaves, the moist earth, the sea..oh well i guess i need time to adapt. back to square one. It reminds me of my first years at uni where I was home sick, then my first years back to Mauritius where I was homesick for Toronto.

I'm also reading the God of small things and what I like with stories dealing with India is that it reminds me of home, whether the expressions they used etc. Same for Chinese authors, it's like being a kid again when they had chinese stores, street food vendors, chinese new year and family gatherings. All this is being lost as families become smaller and people scatter all around. I guess evolution means some things must go in order to make place for others but it's sad how society is becoming more and more isolated. Like my uncle who lives 15 mins away, we see him and his family only once a year or so. Like a lady was saying, here you need to make appointments to visit your own relatives. I'm not judging anyone because I know they're busy; everyone is. I guess it's the way of living here. Let's see how long I can last before packing to somewhere else.

Spoke with the boy on skype today and each time it makes me realize how much I miss him more every day. Watched "tangled" as well which reminded me of the old Disney-sweet and cute without any tween crap. The part where Rapunzel and her fake mom are "I love you mom" "I love you more" and " I love you most" made me smile. I'm a softie and going through a mid life crisis. LOL

And because I miss the french language:

oh sun how i love thee

There is nothing more pleasant than to come home in the afternoon sun. It was cold but I enjoyed the warmth against my skin. I'm sad that my apartment does not face west as I love the setting sun. I can't complain because it face north e. we got new seating and the good news: i'll be sitting infront of c who is a friend of mine. the sad news is that my neighbour a is moving 2 seats away and i won't be able to chit chat with him in french that often. he's a cool guy to converse with and in many ways makes me think of jf, former co-worker of mine. when it's time to do some convos w/ serious contents like sharing ideas etc i always find guys to be better conversational partners.i don't say women are not, i guess i find it easier to speak to guys about ideas since i'm not into talking about kids, fashion etc

I discovered this blog today: drawing with a squirrel . It's inspiring. I love her use of watercolours and her calligraphy makes me want to use my pens again. I have not done some serious art in 7 months and I should use the longer summer days and my kick ass schedule to do more art.I'm so looking towards summer especially for delicious summer food like salad on full grain bread, yummy cherry tomatoes, balsamic vinegar etc, smoked and broiled salmon and maybe bbq. No more easy junk food.

I'm in the mood for making sushi. I'll drop by the asian supermarket tomorrow and have a look. Need to give it a try next Wednesday when I am off work. finally I opened "les plus beaux manuscrits de Arthur Rimbaud" and it made me miss the times when men were using nibs and quills. With the ever increasing use of the computer, it seems that fine penmanship is getting lot and I don't mean calligraphy only. I could count on my fingers the number of people who've beautiful legible handwriting (I understand it's not the handwriting which makes the person but I'm surprised when I see 30+ years old people having kids handwriting) and this article is rather interesting. Usually french people have nice cursive handwritings while american do more print or kid letters-not to offend anyone.

With the use of computers and the need to be more efficient, people print than write and I did not know that they taught cursive hand writing in school! My teacher never did. We were taught the letter shapes but not the loops etc. I started writing in cursive because I love the look of beautiful hand writing then taught myself calligraphy. Although these days I don't do calligraphy often. There's something soothing in writing "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" (if my memory is correct this sentence has all the letters of the alphabets) over and over again in italian cursive scripts or to try it in gothic letters. That's my best past time when I've nothing better to do at work or I am stressed. Working with my right brain makes me a happy cherbear. I remembered when I was a trainee at the MCB, I filled pages of calligraphy during my spare time and then threw them away. The beauty of writing with fountain pens (spending 100 bucks plus for a pen is another story), old manuscripts in latin, german etc.. have some beauty than even computer generated fonts cannot compare.

1. three alphabets., 2. ~ one time you cry, and then you die ~, 3. IMG_4466, 4. R+D Wedding Vows and Signature Scroll, 5. Album, 6. Mail Art - Calligraphy, 7. friends, 8. Fatality, 9. humbug, 10. Practice, 11. Practice, 12. Letras, 13. Detail--Hua Fei Hua, 14. arabic calligraphy خط عربي, 15. Lake, 16. laget

All these beautiful texts makes me want to have a running chinese calligraphy script tattoo on my side w/ my name stamp..hmm something to think over