Tuesday, January 31, 2012

random thoughts

finished reading American dervish and i'll admit i found the book a bit disturbing and the end left me with a taste of "not enough". This book had a lot of potential but it did lacked character growth and one thing that puzzles me w/ books in general about muslims is that they are rarely portrayed in an advantageous light or maybe it's because I always come across books that describes the negative side of islam than the positive especially with the degrading treatment of women. Reading about the Shafia's case in the newspaper does not help either. The book is not bad. It started well for me but the end was like..blehhh...

It just makes me wonder if there are regular muslims out there, meaning a guy who is not a fanatic of the religion, treats woman decently etc..

There are bigots in every religion and one thing that breaks my heart is woman's status. I don't understand how it can be taken for granted that women are impure or damned because of their monthly periods or because she ate the apple... I am really surprise when some people talk as if women deserve all the suffering (pms, birth pain etc..) because she ate the apple. Hello???? Even for the periods, should we remind them that it is from the woman's impure blood that they were f****g borne? How can people blindly believe such spin up tales in order to justify woman's abuse. Do they think women chose to be the one to bear the child and go though 9 months of danger and child birth pain-which NO man will ever know how it hurts even if they get hit in their nuts!!?- or that any being choose to be borne a woman to be stigmatized if she has the misfortune of being in the wrong culture?

I don't understand how across the globes, the patriarch culture is what dominates and often women are just commodities. I would agree though that woman's status today is better than before and I am glad I was not borne earlier but still I did suffer light woman stigma like dad saying how I am lucky I was sent to university as the eldest although I'm a "girl" and my mother expecting me to do domestic house chores while my brothers and dad just sit and relax or get married asap. Woman is still a commodity in porn culture where she is the submissive bitch craving for c**k, and even in the media where she has to be photoshopperfect ornamenting herself w/ fake stuffs like a Christmas tree else she is ugly. I wonder if people know what is the very essence of being a woman..Maybe women will always be "the other" as per Simone de Beauvoir.

Seriously being asexual would have been sooo much more convenient. no label and no expectation. It gets on my nerves when people make fun of me because I refuse to be the domesticated girl. I'm sorry, unless they can prove scientifically that only women possess the gene for housechores, cooking and babysitting men, I refuse to follow the crowd. It's just an excuse for man's laziness. they want to eat? they can help..even if it's doing the dishes or cleaning the house.

Being in Canada is enlightening because you come across opinions that leave you speechless, not because they are bad but simply I cannot understand how can people think like that...

Monday, January 23, 2012

chinese new year

my body is breaking down. Happy New Year of the dragon. I saw a gorgeous rainbow on the lake and suddenly the sun broke through the clouds illuminating Toronto at the horizon. It was beautiful. It made me think of the wizard of Oz when emerald city glitters at the horizon as Dorothy and the gang arrived close to the end of the yellow brick road. The city had this white cast while the surrounding areas were darker. So nice.

I love these types of surprises. On Friday I spotted a hawk/falcon at the Derry-Hurontario corner? A long lost friend I have not seen since last fall. Proud bird with a white chest looking for any imprudent rodents for food.It left after 10 mins. I'll never cease to be amaze at the grace of birds of prey especially when they glide in the sky: free.

I need a rest for my head. Even my days off are no longer enough. Yesterday I had dinner at my aunt's place and my mom called us for the New Year. My youngest brother is getting married in 2014. My dad and my brother were not there, having gone of their usual pagoda rounds to greet the new year. My mother could not go out because apparently it's not good for her horoscope because she's a sheep (chinese horoscope).

The water dragon year promises to be a good year and I do hope it is. 2010 and 2011 have drained me: so many losses, relocation, disasters. Apparently for my sign-rooster-2012's full of goodies..hah..we'll see. As much as I cannot live under the same roof as my parents due to difference in opinions and character, sometimes I wished I could go home for these types of festivals and get together.

I'm not a people's person but it's always nice to meet all your relatives, see their kids and listen to stories around the dinner table. I've never been much of a talker but love to listen to older people talk and my aunts gossip. I know time is ticking when I see my nephews who're growing so fast w/ each passing year.

I tried to imagine how it was at home:

On the eve there would be a get together for my aunts-uncles. On the table: 100 year duck eggs, fooyang, home made chinese sausage and porc, chop suey, white moss soup, and a meat plus chicken dish. During the day my aunts-mother would be busy in the kitchen cooking and making sweet potato cakes aka "gato zinzi". The men would spend the day playing mahjong. Earlier during the week, we would have been making "gato cravattes" amidst the crazy cleaning.

Most probably Sudesh was there and my mom shouting after him to make sure the windows are cleaned properly. Then dad will bring some of his pakistanese/bangladeshi workers to clean the yard w/ high pressure water. He also bought his crazy 10000 firecrackers which became longer w/ passing years.

This year the firecrackers were burned at 430 am to scare evil spirits on that special day. Then we would set up tables in front of the gods with the usual offerings of fruits, biscuits and dried dates/lotus seeds. One big incense to welcome the new year and 3 small ones for each god. Joster paper will be burned.

In the kitchen another table would be set w/ incense sticks, boiled chickens, fruits in set of 3, drinks either rum/soda for the ancestors-my deceased grand parents. The idea is for them to celebrate the new year and invite "their friends' to eat with them. One whole boiled chicken w/ a pair of chopsticks supporting its neck-a piece of sea food on its right and a piece of pork on its left.

On that day we are not allowed to sweep the house, to wash our hair because it meant washing away our luck.After lighting all the incenses, dad would take us on his pagoda rounds. Some places were filled w/ people and your eyes would water w/ the incense smoke. Pagode la rue la saline, pagode on marie reine de la paix mountain, ah fee see pagoda on la rue magon and pagode next to champs de mars. Ah Fee See pagoda was always the busiest and there would also be chinese lions dancing. We would greet happy new year to all the nuns and get "potpan"-a sweet brioche like pastry stained red. It had the taste of orange rinds.

While we were away, my mother would clean up the religious offerings, burns all the joster papers. The yard would be covered in red papers, remnants of the firecrackers. If i was home, after each firecracker burning I would visit my pouchies to make sure they were ok. We, humans are able to reduce the noise by covering our ears but not my doggies. Then I would make sure that none my plants had too much sulphur or firework remnants on them. I am surprised how they always survived each spring festival fireworks. Often some parts would die but always come back.

My nephews would come over to see their grand mother (my aunt) and play in the fireworks, and look for ay unburned firecracker. Dad called his fireworks "petards canons" because not only they were long but super loud..like 2 mins of "sweet" music.

After the pagoda rounds, we would all go back to bed after wishing everyone happy new year and giving foon pao-the red envelopes marked w/ double happiness and filled w/ lucky money. Lunch would be a vegetarian dish w/ meefoon, bamboos shoots, black fungus, lotus flowers seasoned w/ mustard: my favourite vegetarian dish. Sometimes there would be a typical chinese herbal soup made of goji seeds, dried dates-longane, lotus seeds,and lotus flowers. yummy.We would also give our neighbours the chinese festival goodies: a bag filled with gato cravattes, gato lacire and chipettes.

In the afternoon, there would be more people and a bigger dinner. some dishes would be a repeat of those on the eve and we would have sea food either crabs or lobster and extra plus wine or champagne. Getting together around dinner is something big in chinese culture. Everyone would stay late updating about the latest news and gossips. Desert would be the gato cravattes and chipettes and gato lacire.

I sort of miss these days. I write to remember, I write because I am afraid I will forget what I left behind in a few years. I'm not an advocate of traditions or what not but I don't want my parents to be the last generation of what my grand parents brought and I don't want to lose my childhood.

I don't know why so many things break my heart lately. I'm surely emo or pmsing..the joy of the female body. I could live without this body ..really..

ps when will there be a sequel to jonathan strange and mr norrell. The ladies of grace adieu left me on "ma faim"..

pps blogger sucks big deal..my pictures are not loading :/

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

nostalgie quand tu nous tiens

Songs like that makes me nostalgic. It makes me think of my highschool years watching french variety shows every saturday or sunday. I miss poetic lyrics.
I miss french language although it's easier for me to type in english. I guess I was so used to listen-talk in french and write in english that now I feel a bit off since all is english. Each time I read french poetry or listen to french songs it's like meeting an old friend and it feels warm inside. I miss french classic singers like Michel Sardou, Patricia Kaas, Mylene Farmer etc. I guess one generation is over.

Nowadays everything reeks of consumerism and capitalism. It's all about money and material possession. Often Toronto sucks out my energy, it's all about :buy, buy and buy and work to death. Short term happiness that leaves you more frustrated when you can't get your hands on a new toy you want. The anticipation at getting something is often more thrilling than having the item in your hands. Accumulating, hoarding, admiring to fill the hole in your soul. we're the cubicle generation where our sole distraction is the tv or possessing items.

Being fed lies everyday where you're brainwashed into believing that happiness is buying celeb endorsement products, appearance modification or live the american dream yet it's ironic how the highest books sales are self help and dieting..it pretty tells much you about the average person's state of mind. We want quick fixes in our life and most stuffs seen on tv show that quick fixes can be attained when it is evident that no pain is no gain.

I won't deny: I did use some self help books in the past but at the end of the day, a lot of these authors are not telling anything new, they're just laying black on white what we always knew and they were smart enough to find the golden eggs by marketing their ideas.

I'm mentally exhausted, just want to lie on the sea and drift away watching the sky. Yesterday the weather was fantastic, windy and rainy but not cold. The clouds were passing by quickly as if there was an approaching storm, the air was electric and it felt alive..I spent the mins waiting for the bus outside the bus shelter, savoring the wind against my skin, filling my lungs w/ the smell of rain and newness. I don't know how to explain it, it just felt like back home before a cyclone. The air smells different and not stagnant.

I'm tired. A few people have been complaining that I am too quiet-I was doing fine until some bitch moved the lime light on me. Since when has it become a sin to be quiet? I don't want to spend hours gossiping about x, y and z and pretend we're best friends w/ that person when (s)he is there. I always knew office environment is all about hypocrisy so I try not to get involved too much and prefer to speak when i need to instead of small talks and gossips. I'm not good at small talks anyway because sometimes it feels too inquisitive esp with people I am not familiar with..

I'm so INFP that it SUCKS big deal..

love cali: