Monday, January 31, 2011

almost there

March will be the last month I am paying the rent for my brother. I'm almost there and will have some more flexibility for saving. I will still owe him 600 but that's easily solved with a biweekly 100 transfer instead of having 1/2 of my salary down in rent. Still it gives me an idea of how it'll be if I move to somewhere with a higher rent or on my own. Then I'll have more time to pay back most of my cc and save.

I've not been controlling myself as I should in January resulting to low income and living on biweekly pay check. I need to change my attitude towards shopping. I went overboard with clothing-discovered the outlets in Heartland- and Sephora, my latest purchase being the pricey Caudalie radiance serum . I'm still on the look out for THE holy grail serum to improve my skin condition esp acne marks without giving me massive blackheads. MB Vit C made my skin brighter but gave me massive blackheads. I'm also using the glycolic gel from Peter Roth. It sucks to be close to your thirties and still have the skin of a pimply teenager *sigh I can't even fake great skin with a concealer-foundation as my skin is not smooth enough.

Tomorrow I'm convincing myself to go to the gym for my combat class. The last time I stepped into the gym was in September??? I'm not heading there to lose weight, but mainly to tire my body with intense 1 hour sport and get rid of shoulder and neck tension. I really need that because exercising infront of my pc is not as intense as in a class. I need an outlet to remove all the accumulated stress and toxins from the past week. Staying at home,dozing is not helping my back nor my sleep. Let's hope tomorrow will still be sunny.

Friday, January 28, 2011

time of the month

where i am feeling depressed. It's so awful how your mood swings depend on your hormones level and a rough week at work does not help. I want shopping therapy but can't. I'm losing patience with customers and spend my time making funny faces at my desk and exasperated expression with customers who won't hang up. I guess it's time to reread the 101 of excellent customer service and keep a poker face.

There are days where my distress is all written on my face (which makes me more worried in case people notice it while they're so calm) and I am surprised how some people can keep calm expressions or be resigned with "it's the job you know, you have to do it and the rest is kept aside". Anxiety does not help at all in the workplace and I am somehow paranoid, and has this constant feeling that I am being evaluated by everyone or anyone and that I am weird and uninteresting. I am also very receptive to people emotions to a point that a wrong expression, voice tone etc..makes me feel I am responsible for them having a bad day. Gotta live with it.

if only I had a reason or goal to go through life.

i admire women who are able to handle their bodies and imperfections without stressing on it.

relax relax relax..gaaaaahhhh

Thursday, January 27, 2011

CIBC sucks

I cancelled my cc since september and they have to give me back my deposit of 500 cnd. Since then no news although I called 4 times. Today the agent told me for some unknown reason my cancellation letter was forwarded to the wrong dept and they closed my account but kept the money. They will look further into the matter and there's no time frame. I'm calling back in 3 weeks. My address was not updated as well although I did for my account.

I've been having crappy service since I opened my account with CIBC which is the reason why I removed all my funds and cancelled my cc. Now I am waiting for my deposit in order to close my account. It was opened under the new immigrant package and the csr was so eager to sell the products that she forgot to set my account in the correct category and I ended paying fees which they reversed back, now it's my cc. If my homeland bank was not working with CIBC I would have never opened an account there. I did it because transfers are faster..My bad.. So far the best service I had was with BMO.

Oh well as much as I understand the pressure to sell products, it'll help if they do it correctly.
I've been looking at comments I made on other people's blog and my own writing. I came to the conclusion that my writing skill has dwindled over the years. I was reading a comment I made on "just bento" years back and I was like "is that me??". Holy cow I used to be more articulate and since I started working- back in Mauritius- I have become dumber. My brain needs exercise and where has my love of words gone? Everyday is work, eat and die. I have not made any new year resolutions because I don't believe in them. I miss talking to interesting people about all and nothing. I guess it's a signal that I need to move my butt and do some socializing? I feel hesitant to talk about other things @ work because most of the convos I hear are limited to work related-what i did this week-end and lots of "me" stuffs. I want to talk about ideas, about current happenings.

At each stage of my life, I had someone-a guy most of the time as women are too catty to handle- to discuss life issues-ideas. At uni it was W and C, at work back in Mauritius I had A and J, in my daily JGZ. As weird as it seems we rarely spoke about our life as it is, sure life bits and pieces will mingle with the ideas but it was mainly sharing ideas, music and what do you think about this and that? Last week I was reading rimbaud when H came it and she told me how she did a BA in spanish art and lit. We started talking about french poetry. For some reason, I started telling her about rimbaud and the awesomeness of his poem "Aube" until someone came in and the conversation moved to family... Ok I guess I am the boring one here....

I am not a convo snob..I'm a very quiet person to the point it makes people uncomfortable but once I know I can trust someone, I get loud. I just love talking to people who can go beyond the boring daily blabla..even C she tells me everything and anything and I love assimilating new ideas and new ways of looking at things from others perspective.

Still working in a Canadian environment is interesting..the difference from back home is startling..Most of the time, the way I look at my manager is "eh!??!" because I am not used to their coaching style. She came to me to say that my limit has been increased because I was doing something well. I was like "ehhh??????..thank you..." You can feel the difference between the Western and Asian way of doing things. From my own experience, we chinese, are pressurized since young age to do well, it's expected, it's taken for granted and if you fail, bonjour the nasty words. My mother never told me I had to lose weight for health issues, it was snarky remarks "your thigh is like a pig", "you eat like.."..even last time on skype she was like "why are you not losing weight?"..thanks took me 4 yrs in uni to lose 30 pounds and do you expect me to lose any in winter and with a sedentary job? a B in my grades earned me a disappointed silence from my dad or a quiet remark like "my friend's daughter got an A"

Here it's more about coaching and moving at your pace. Still it does not make me feel any better if I am not making any progress as I do my own monitoring whether you believe it or not. It feels weird. I don't expect compliments about the way I work because it is expected that as an employee you have to do your job well. What I wait for usually is remarks abt how I did things wrong and hopefully to be able to correct them fast. I never had any compliment when I did something well as a child, the only words my parents uttered were when they were disappointed or not approving. That's the chinese way, at least in my family.

JGZ says I am into sm because I am hard on myself, I torture myself for if I like being in this kind of stressful, "the worse will happen" environment. It's not that I love it, I grew up expecting the worse because nothing was ever good enough, grew up wanting control and be perfect so I guess this sm forms part of me, some unconscious self punishment because whatever I do is never at the level I believe it should be. Need to save money to get therapy. On the worse days, I replay actions and words in my head over and over again and could talk about that for hours..One person even told me I think too much.

At least being older I have learned to accept myself a little bit more than when I was a teenager. Being away from home helps as well.

Next week I am turning 30 and I still wonder what have I accomplished.. :/

Monday, January 24, 2011


youtube died? my blog is full of "cannot find link" for youtube video..weird

I finally had my hair cut..short and got weird stares today or maybe it was just my imagination..I still have the "out of bed" look except now my hair has some kind of shape versus no shape..I swear my hair has a mind of its own and hair stylists love my hair because it is tame. My hair stylist blow dried my hair and gave me a bob..saying she wanted to see how i look in straight hair and how my hair is great because it's so manageable. My stylist in mauritius said the same, they love my hair because it's easy to style and will yield easily to the hair drier etc.. I dislike my hair, it's wavy, i can't do much with it and my hair is fine so any styling products is a big no no no if i don't want to end up with flat hair. The good side is that if I want a messy look i just put some water, shuffle my hair and taaadddaaaaaaa the style will stay as long as my hair is layered and short..if it's long and I tied it it'll curl at the end..go figure..Chop stick straight hair is more easy to live with as I am a minimalist when it comes to my hair: wash, cond and treat if needs styling product, no blow dried, no curler-straightener although i do own hair accessory as well because I am too lazy to do anything..

Hmm I am dreaming of a rib tattoo..maybe of birds taking flight or tribal bird..I need to know if the rib is a good spot because with my weight loss and gain my skin stretches. My biggest tattoo related dream though is on the back and curling over to the hip. i'm obsessed. the skin is such an interesting canvas. I also saw that industrial piercing can be done for 80 dollars which is nice compared to 150 in some places..dunno..I really want the birds one on the rib or hip-back area. Often i can't help thinking how my taste clashes with the way i look: outside i am very prim and proper..classic minimalist in the way i dress while my inner taste ranges to more extreme like ebm, tats-piercing,industrial music, leather accessories like studded bands and i love emb fashion with fetish, corsets, lace, leather..on other people especially women :P Do I need to unleash my inner me?

I finally received my books by Simone de Beauvoir "Le deuxieme sex i and ii" so off I go for some good reading.

Monday, January 10, 2011


if I survive this job, I'll be invincible. I swear. busy seasons're killers.

On Sunday I spotted a coyote around the heartland-meadowvale area. it was a shortly after dawn.. my first concern was that it was walking near the highway- with something that looked like a sausage in its mouth- and i was worried it could get hit by a car. At first I thought it was a stray dog but have anyone heard of stray dog in canada?? the tail was also too bushy and the coat too light to be a german sheppard, i thought maybe a fox but then are foxes grey?? I ended up googling and found out it had the highest probability to be a coyote as they can be seen running next to highways (relieved me a bit), or where they can get food.Coyote can also be spotted at dawn or dusk and are fearful of humans.

The one thing I love with Canada is the urban jungle. I find it awesome when i can spot a racoon, a deer, a chipmunk, a chickadee, a blue jay etc..Oh my connecting bus stop is also close to the hunting ground of some hawks. I spotted 3 birds, one looked like a falcon/red tail hawk and 2 turkey vultures? I'm not sure as they were a bit far away but the other two birds head looked bald..I do spot the falcon/hawk one quite regularly. AWESOME. just like the day there was a line of canadian geese crossing the road at a red light. It was so funny because it looked like a line of prim and proper school kids. AWESOME.And spotting a red cardinal next to the Earth Science centre in UofT. I even spotted a budgie at Square One, most probably an escapee from a pet shop or owner's cage.I hope it is still doing ok in winter.

I do think it is sad how we are encroaching the wild animals territories leaving them no passage/corridors to move in between. I cringe when I see huge bill boards next to wild land saying "office to lease for 2012" or something. Mississauga is cool. I love the Meadowvale village and it definitely has some nice parks. Hopefully when I'll get a car, I'll be able to go on exploring! i've been trying to force myself to do things I enjoy instead of staring at my pc screen like a zombie when i am not reading insurance policies

I finally took the courage to sign up for remains of the day class, purchased a sewing machine-i know i am crazy-and need to find time to learn sewing and even knitting! i will be more creative this year instead of wanting to be more creative!!

note to self: go to high park in spring to see the cherry blossoms!