it's all about attitude

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything.”-Win Borden

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”-Alex Karras

“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.”.Churchill

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; Loving someone gives you courage" Lao Tzu

"

if something is not working, change your way of thinking. why waste time to do the same thing over and over again and accumulate the same mistakes <= random thought in my head. Currently I need two things: courage and patience and to learn to listen to my fears without letting them take over me.

I'm curious about Anais Nin. I read quite a few quotes by her and she looks like a striking person - in character. On Friday I went to the ROM to see this exhibit: Out of the Vaults-South African dinosaurs eggs and embryos and was pleasantly surprised to see that since it was open doors Toronto, the museum was free. yay! So i save 11 bucks :P It was nice to see the dinosaurs again and I managed to take a few pictures which I'll hopefully load later. My only disappointment was that the hall was too full of screaming kids and I could not enjoy everything without the flash of Asian tourists. The fossils are amazing as always and it makes me wander when I see the size of those reptiles..I did wish they had a larger section of the cambrian era but I guess since most creatures had a soft body, they could not get bones. I'm curious to see those amazing sea monsters they had, one that had an armour body..or maybe I miss it since the area was quite crowded and my aching feet did not want to linger too long.

I also had the opportunity to see House calls with my camera- I fell on it by chance- and one quotation struck me. It was along the line of how when you age, you become invisible to the people around you. A lot of the pictures were poignant and made me think of the pictures I saw in the "Science et Vie-La mort" magazine which dealt with death from different aspects (physical, spiritual, scientific etc..) I highly recommend this exhibit. Words cannot describe it, you need to feel it. The pictures were of senior people who could have been your grand pa, grand ma or even your parents or even you in the future. My favourite was about this couple: first picture showed her sitting side to side to her husband each in their chair. Both had medical conditions but looked like your average senior, then the last picture showed the woman only with a picture of her husband and her aged 13. She was still sitting in the chair where the first picture was taken and you could feel the emptiness of the other seat without her husband. Actually now I am thinking of it, it makes me think of the animation Up in the air. That woman met her hubbie at 13 years old, dated at 17 and then got married. Is not that cute? There were also some other pictures of a war veteran, a homeless guy and a woman who suffered from memory loss. Pictures of real people are always so much more poignant.

Due to the crowd and achy feet, I could not drag myself to the other floors. I saw the Biodiversity room, the mineral ones and then went back as it was getting late as well. I missed the bus and arrived at Mississauga at 21:46. These are times where I wished I lived DT just to be able to stay up late to see events because I don't feel at ease to walk in the desert streets that late in Mississauga. I'm definitely going back when they'll have the The warrior emperor and China terracotta army exhibition in June. I wished I could attend some of the presentations but they're rather expensive :/

My head feels itchy lately. I've no idea if it's the aircon, the weather or the water. I need to try natural remedies.

already sunday

Already Sunday and I've been trying hard not to think about my job quest. My new rule is to make my job quest my full time job, so it's from 9:00-4:00 every working week day although I do cheat in between for lunch etc I'm back to Square One and starting over again. Since signing up with recruiting agencies is not bringing anything I'm planning to take on a more proactive approach: e-mail them and then call. I thank D and M for their insights and their encouraging comments. They're in the same basket as me and more hopeful. I also sign up for resume work shops and hopefully career counselling with someone at the YMCA? I don't think it'll necessary end me a job BUT at least I hope to gain by learning more about what I want as career,and what I am good at instead of scattering my energies everywhere and taking things as they come. I'll also give a try at retail although not necessarily a sales associates. Need to get over my fear of calling people or interacting as a whole (partly due to my hearing handicap). I'm crossing fingers and even if I listen to my fears, I won't let them take over me.

The past weeks have been hard. I guess it's because it's my first experience with rejection: applying for over 20 jobs and no replies, no news from recruiting agencies etc. Some days I even lose sleep because of this job quest, feeling anguished that I am not going anywhere and not even good to get jobs below my skills. My job quest is 1 month 2 weeks old and that seems like ages. But I'll keep my head high because I am not the only one there and won't be the last. Creating is also helping me although spending for art supplies much less :/

Last week, I went thrifting inspired by Malin's blog and found this wooden jewellery box at the Salvation Army shop. I could not resist and bought it. I'm planning to restore it and maybe paint the box white or something. Need to go through sites to find colour combos. It's so lovely and will look good to store supplies etc!

I also found this dictionary full of character. At first I wanted to rip the pages to be used for altered art but I'm going to keep it. The front pages have the names of the owners and it seems to me that the dictionary has been passed from generation to the next or something and is as old as 1945. The spine and cover is damaged and sure for 4.99 it was expensive but I bought it anyway. I do think some salvation army items are not that cheap for thrift and they should price items according to condition than catergories. All hard covers are 4.99, softcovers .99 cents and children books I think 2 dollars.

last page of the book: i'm scared, aren't you?

front page

cover

Through this book I was reminded of those lost at my grand mother's place. There were LOTS of books from my uncles and mom's kids years, as far as 1930's. Some I used to scribble in them when I was a kid (who would not eh?) and lived at my grand parent's place. Books passed from brothers to sisters as people at that times could not afford to buy one book for each kid, same for clothes. Unfortunately my uncle threw away everything after my grand mother's death when he cleaned the attic. I was SO sad because I wanted to bring them with me: some to be used for altered art and some for keepsake. My grand parents house was a treasure of old stuffs. I was shocked when I went there after my uncle's wedding and saw the walls newly painted, furnitures changed and all my grand parents shelves cleaned. The house felt alien, naked and I realized that it was time to move on. The present belongs to the living and it broke my heart because it also meant the lost of a great part of my childhood (I lived with my grand parents until I left for secondary school). Now I want to try goodwill and value village for other thrift goods. I also spotted a lovely circus themed porcelain tea pot with a ballerina acrobat as the top cover holder. However her shoes where broken. I did not get it but might change my mind if it's still there on my next trip. Thrift shops inspire me although I can't bear the thought of wearing second hand clothes.

I'm working on various swaps this sunday. Almost done with the botanica and bords chunky pages, need to start on the sea ones and work more on malin's pages. Not having a table to put all my mess, handicaps me so much. I tried creating on the floor but it was hello back pains!

already summer?

The heat is crazy in Toronto. We have temperatures as high as 30 degrees celcius and it makes me long for the beach and some yummy fruit cocktail. Else it is the same thing: look for jobs, update resume (I am going bonkers by having too many version of my resume: admin, csr, call centre), sign up at recruiting agencies and crossing fingers for someone to call me?

A nasty trend I have noticed amongst recruiters is their bad habit of not returning calls after they called you, you missed it and called them again and left a message because you fell on the voice mail. I do understand they're busy interviewing people etc but this shows utter disrespect to the prospective candidate they want to recruit for a company. My best guess is that once you miss their call, it's over as they might have found someone else within the hours, hence they no longer need you and ignore any messages left etc. Frustrating but I guess that's the rules of the game:the recruiter' need results ie find a candidate , if they can't reach one, just too bad they surely have others lined up to call. On the other hand, I can't help thinking: do I want to work with that kind of recruiting agency? Does it mean I have to sit by the phone all day long in case I miss a call? This commodity attitude annoys me but I'm sure I'll get used to it. In the meanwhile I have to deal with my inner fears to get though the day.

I've been wondering about volunteering again, most probably with an environment based group in order to be able to go out. Staying within 4 walls is not helping me and my mind is overheating from thinking too much about the job situation. I am more exhausted from worries than my job search. I dream of the day where I'll have my own room and space. It gets on my sanity to have to share a room with my brother: bed, desk and in addition to have to clean up etc just because according to some "i've nothing to do". I hate this condescending attitude from those who think because they've a job, they can say whatever is on their mind and I hate even more the stereotype way of thinking where only women do the house chores while men just sit on the couch/infront of their pc when they come back from work and wait for food to be ready. Yes I am dealing badly with the fact that I have to live with relatives. I need to control change my attitude, be grateful that at least I have a roof over my head and food even if it makes my IBS worse.

I lived 5 years downtown, so living in the suburg won't kill me *wistful smile*

"God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Tazim is having this pencil case as give away in June. I love the design. I am a sucker for anything bird silhouettes, flying birds against a cityscape, on a line etc. Other lovely designs can be seen at seaoats. I love etsy and if I were not jobless I would have shopped there. I need to restrain myself until I have some money in :C So you bet I'm going to try my luck at her give away ;P

spring and the wait continues

Spring, almost summer is there. This is a welcomed change to the crazy weather I had when I first came: sunny days followed by drop in temperatures to 5 degrees, rain etc..There are so many things I want to do but I guess it'll have to wait for next summers once I get a job unless I get one soon. The wait is frustrating, waiting for the phone to ring. Sending an application each time is like having zillion of questions on my mind. Maybe in the end, I should simply relax although the lack of calls makes me think that my resume is not good enough etc..Jeez shut up brain. Sometimes I don't feel I am good enough even for simple jobs like cashiers etc.. *sigh* Breathe Cheryl and become more mindful because self pity is not going to make the quest go faster, nor make employers call. I guess the lack of control is what confused me and often I feel scared in my guts that I'll end up with nothing and be nothing after moving so far and starting over :/ Patience is something I definitely need to work on and to let things go instead of wanting to control and know what's next.

My nextback (what the heck i was thinking to write next..my "neck" was not even hurting me) hurts after a session of ta boe. It felt nice to exercise again after so long because I'm not really in the best of shape. I guess today pilates is the way to go due to my back pains. On the bright side, I finally received my Lil Sew and Sew machine. It's smaller than what I thought but it sews papers beautifully except I need to find a way to get around sewing larger pieces . This will do until I can afford a second hand fully functional sewing machine-I need the machine only for craft purposes so nothing fancy is required. I also managed to bind the pages I brought with me from Mauritius and worked on some on them although the lack of a proper table makes it hard to create.

I managed to put some order in my rubberstamps as well. The nice surprise was to get back all my magic ink rubberstamps. They have been waiting for me for 4 years in my aunt's basement! I still have a few from mauritius in Montreal (could not carry them in my luggage when I went there) and the pictures below show just the tip of the iceberg! I think I must have like 30 full A4 pages of unmounted stamps. Those left in canada still have to be mounted and the amount of cutting and sticking awaiting me is not the most pleasant *sigh* I'm also sad to hear that non sequiture was sold. It was sold to the same company that bought enchanted ink and now the prices are in Euro and much much more expensive since I used to buy mainly grab bags. I Still need MORE alphabets and got the hang at stamps carving :) I've been carving alphabets and I am still at letter G. It's hard to be honest esp. when you get to those pesky corners.

achy

my back hurts from carrying around a backpack weighing surely 5 kilos, same for my arms tugging my 48 kilos carry on. Montreal went by too fast. I had a glimpse of the city, the softness of spring and got to meet one of the coolest person of this city:R. I do hope to see her again in my future trips there. The afternoon countryside is gorgeous: hues of orange, pink and violet. Unfortunately my camera is somewhere in my backpack under my seat so all I've is my crappy 3 pixels phone. Better than nothing. I am tired though and I miss Montreal. I guess why I like this city more is because it's smaller and older than Toronto. Montreal has more character despite being less "modern", apparently it's due to the city not getting enough funds.

Otherwise it's good to have some of my craft materials back with me, as it means playing time. I still have to make my job quest a full time "job". I don't know I need a break and some time to reconcile with reality.