it is coming this friday. Are you ready?

often

i feel like i am alone in a field and it is raining words...pouring until i cannot see the horizon.. i'm clumsy at handling super chatty people who talk like speedy trains. oh the woes of being an introvert in this extrovert world...this makes me feel inadequate..broken

i want to sleep....

cramming for loma exam..who said yelling " i am tired" in the condo around midnight will change anything??? oh procrastination, how i love thee!

I'm come to the point where people who think they are entitled to different treatment at work because they have kids or are married piss me off. I was even told that one's life has more value if you're married or how I won't know the "stress" of shifts until I have kids. WTF.

It's not because I don't have kids, a husband to take care of (thanks god!) that I don't have a life/stress and can afford to take all the shitty hours that no one wants. What about people who choose not to burden themselves w/ 2-3 kids or not marry??

The fact remains that when they signed the papers, they knew they would have to work shifts and 24/7 shifts. As much as management tried to accommodate their requests, no one is ever happy or even satisfied. I doubt these people know what it is to work late or overnight for christmas, new year, to do all week-ends for one year.

When I tell them these are possible, they're like I choose it (WTF). The new shift system is generating so much complaints that I don't even want to hear about it and it's just a shift for 3 months.

I do understand we each want the best for ourselves but throwing arguments like how they should get better hours because they have kids,day care etc.. make me frown. I'm sorry but you knew what you were up to when you signed the papers so don't think you deserve special treatment just because you reproduced. If that's the case then I'm off to the sperm bank and to the hospital to get in vitro fertilization and contribute my share to an overpopulated world.

Amen.

The worst is that I know people who have it worse and do not complain that much..It's not the end of the world people, get your things together. just a 3 months rotation.

book of mormon

Man this is hilarious..

I'm so going to see this musical when it comes to Toronto in June 2013. Funniest thing ever. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. Their song "turn it off" is just as funny.

Need my dose of happy songs lately like "call me maybe" (a worm in the head) and "small talks" by men and monsters (they're good..listened to their acoustic version and it's lovely)

random thoughts

Gestures of love are always the most anonymous ones: a man adjusting his wife jacket and squeezing her hand, removing a hair strand from a beloved's face, kissing a beloved hand or face. I see these gestures everyday from regular people in the bus, people with no names and whom I might never see again.

One couple though caught my attention because I came across them a few times. The man: shaved head and beard, the tough look of a biker, his partner :in a wheelchair, oversized jacket and a baseball cap on her dirty blond messy hair. An unlikely couple but with looks and gestures of tenderness for each other. Sweet and it's always like that when I see them together.

Lately I am in love with the french word "effleurer". It just brings possibilities and might have beens. Effleurer le visage de son aimé, sa main, son corps. Effleurer/froler un étranger qui vous souris. Capturer la magie d'un instant.

I am looking forward to go home. Not because it's home. I need a break from sterile Mississauga. I want to be able to smell and taste the salty sea again, feel the humidity and heat around me and go to the noisy and colorful markets. I want to ride our rickety buses full of old ladies in saris and tentes bazaar. I want to see the colorful concrete houses-ugly and pretty and not the copy-paste ones so typical of the canadian.

What do I miss? I miss my dogs, my Doudou, hold her tight and never let go. I miss the starry nights where I knew the constellations by heart and could point jupiter-venus-orion-scorpio-pleaides to you w/o blinking. I miss the fields of sugarcane in bloom in the morning where everything looked covered in warm gold. I miss the rainy seasons and cyclones w/ torrential rains. I miss sleeping w/ the candle light when the power is cut off. I miss the smell of Port-Louis market. I miss the smell of night jasmine as it blooms at night. I miss the redness of the Flamboyants along the streets.

This is funny...because I know I can't live in Mauritius, paradise or not. I guess the heart always long for what it can't have.

For once I will be happy when I am told "welcome back home".

summer is almost over?

We're already in September and soon the leaves will be the color of fall. This summer went by like a breeze and I did not do much mainly due to the strong heat. Each rainy day was welcomed by me as the smell of the rain was so refreshing and it felt good to feel the wind in my face.

I am currently working on a trip for next year. It is a secret for now but I am so excited about it. I was visiting some foodie blog and it made me realize how my relationship with food has changed. I rarely take any pleasure in eating. I missed the markets in Port-Louis. Your senses would be overpowered by the smell of fresh vegetables, of fried gato piments and other snacks and bread.

Most things are sterile and over clean in Canada, ok Mississauga-Toronto. Over  packaged to the point where buying vegetables is no longer a sensory experience. Even vegetables displayed have no smell and it's like looking at plastic vegies, ripened in lorries from mexico or the usa. Unless I am buying at the wrong places?

The only stinky experience of this country is people..Hah! I can understand if you stink because it's hot or after a day's at work but stinking at 6 am before going to work? Dude..did anyone take a bath in the evening or morning? The smell of body odors, rancid hair oil/curry is enough to wake me up w/o the need to buy coffee.. Ugh. A few time I had to change seat because the regulars I rode the bus with, made me want to barf.

I can't wait to go back home, just to be able to use my senses again.

Chaque mot couché sur ce papier, je le resens comme un frisson tout au long de l'échine. Chaque mot je le resens comme un sanglot qui secoue mon coeur.

Demain, dès l'aube, à l'heure où blanchit la campagne,

Je partirai. Vois-tu, je sais que tu m'attends.

J'irai par la forêt, j'irai par la montagne.

Je ne puis demeurer loin de toi plus longtemps.

Je marcherai les yeux fixés sur mes pensées,

Sans rien voir au dehors, sans entendre aucun bruit,

Seul, inconnu, le dos courbé, les mains croisées,

Triste, et le jour pour moi sera comme la nuit.

Je ne regarderai ni l'or du soir qui tombe,

Ni les voiles au loin descendant vers Harfleur,

Et quand j'arriverai, je mettrai sur ta tombe

Un bouquet de houx vert et de bruyère en fleur

 

Victor Hugo

 

 

awake

"Failure" by Assemblage 23 is so me :( I need to stop thinking.

I am lost,
The footprints that I left have disappeared,
For now, I am driving blind.

Accelerate,
Without a destination to welcome me,
This road is just an endless loop.

Every time I close my eyes,
The noise inside me amplifies,
I can't escape,
I relive every moment of the day.
Every misstep I have made,
Finds a way it can invade,
My every thought,
And this is why I find myself awake.

Directionless,
The letters on the signs have long since faded,
The sky conspires to swallow me.

Paid the price,
For burning all the maps to warm myself,
I threw their ashes to the wind.

Every time I close my eyes,
The noise inside me amplifies,
I can't escape,
I relive every moment of the day.
Every misstep I have made,
Finds a way it can invade,
My every thought,
And this is why I find myself awake.

Walk away,
Time to leave the realm of the familiar,
To find a place where sleep can come.

Hesitate,
For one last time I shout into the sky,
To wake the ones I'll leave behind.

Every time I close my eyes,
The noise inside me amplifies,
I can't escape,
I relive every moment of the day.
Every misstep I have made,
Finds a way it can invade,
My every thought,
And this is why I find myself awake.

the world goes on whether it rains or shine.

topbox.ca

today was a good mail day. After being on the waiting list since Feb, I finally received my first topbox and I have to admit it made me much happier than with loose button. For $10 plus tax per month you get 4 deluxe samples and sometimes more of beauty products to try.

This month my top box contained:
-1 full size deborah lippmann nailpolish in "whatever lola wants"-a lovely pale pink w/ shimmer
-sample size stila mascara "forever your curl"
-sample size clear prep fx matte foundation primer and anti acne
-full size mark lipgloss in pop splendid-berry pink and wearable for my skin tone
-3 samples of garnier bb cream in light
-sample size of simple eye make-up remover

their sample sizes are what i'll call travel size. Although there is no personalization of the boxes (loose button has a sticker with your name on it), I have the impression that topbox does match your samples according to the profile survey you fill which makes me very happy. I'll watch my future boxes to further confirm that.

After getting 5 boxes from loosebutton, I am SO glad that I cancelled my subscription with them. Each time I was getting random products and 90% of the times I never used them since they were not for my skin type-hair type etc.. I got so many regenerist lotion samples from olay, shampoo for dyed hair, lotion for dry skin and I filled their profile survey 3 times but keep getting random samples. In addition so many of  them were drugstores brands like olay, pantene, nyx, etc..

I was rather pissed because their boxes were so inconsistent as some people would get dermalogica several times, benefit, china glaze while I kept getting lame ones. The only nailpolish I received from them as well was a stinky pastel purple from essie which I would never use. I know some people love loosebutton but the quality of the samples did not do it for me and it was more expensive than topbox. My first topbox has 3 items I know I will use which is something I never had with loosebutton. I guess to each their own.

I also had my studiocalico kit and it made me smile. The items are so well thought and lovely. journalling heavens. I am still working on my mini book from montreal and will use the incoming week-end to complete it. I took most photos from my fuji instax and it's more fun than my dslr. I realize that as much as I love high quality picture, carrying a dslr around is a pain in the ass..I might buy a new point and shoot camera as far as I am concerned although I love my Canon A570 IS powershot. It seems to me that most models coming out nowadays are divided into 3 groups: point and shoot-small and light, semi pro dslr-big and pro dslr-bigger. I can no longer find something small and in between like my powershot which has great manual options. bah we'll see.

I'm so tired as work is exhausting. It's been raining calls lately..jeez

perfect day

more thunderstorm and rain. I love the smell of the air: electric. I'm in a bohemian mood lately. I want to run away to some small village in the countryside and lie down on the grass in the field looking at the passing by clouds. Savoring the warmth of the sun against my skin. Just jump in a bus to destination unknown to the country side with roads that look endless, a bit like my trip to Maggog. 

The clouds were magnificient and it was a show of light and sound with lightning zigzaging through the sky. I could not help myself from counting the time lapse between seeing the lightning and hearing the thunder. If my memory is right, the shorter the time, the closer lightning strikes to where you are. Jeez I really want to travel.

This trip to Montreal was too short..The most enjoyable was Mont Royal cemetery. I had no time to go to Mont Royal itself. I <3 the peace and quietness of cemeteries and in general cemetaries in Canada are like parks: green with silent old trees , birds and random chipmunks. I spotted a raccoon and I was SO excited. I started trailing it and it was like playing 1,2,3 soleil aka statues in english (I used to play that as a kid)

Each time the racoon would stop, I stopped too and it would turn back and look at me with its tiny masked eyes. Aaaaww. It made me think of Miyazki anime "Pom Ponko" . It look so cuddly. I wanted to lie down and sleep in the cemetery because the quietness was so nice and the shade of trees so inviting. Unfortunately I could not spot any interesting tombstones since i did not have the map with me. It'll be for next time. self reminder: to go to mt pleasant cemetery as well.

I don't find cemeteries macabre and some are gorgeous, like Pere La Chaise in Paris. I enjoy reading some tombs "listings" and you could spin endless stories about the people buried there. One tomb stone had a pilot and his family. what suprised me is that the wife stayed a widow for 49 or 39 years-can't recall exactly..At least this is what I deduced from the reading as it said pilot x and his beloved wife .I need to upload that picture later one. Wow..this is what I call devotion unless she did remarry but wanted to be buried with her first husband and the guy was really young when he passed away. devotion, love, loss, grief are things you can read from the tomb stones. sometimes i wonder if some of the dead don't feel lonely especially those who've been there for 100 years and who no longer have any living relatives to visit them..

I just finished "Les yeux jaunes des crocodiles" by Katherine Pancol. She reminds me of Anna Galvada in some ways. Her characters are attaching and her writings is very humane although i did skip some parts which were not needed in the book IMHO. There were some parts I did not like and found overdone-stereotyped-"are you kidding me"-could/should be removed- but I enjoyed the evolution of the characters. Josephine, it's a bit of me: insecure, naive and "gauche" but smart and yet so unsure of her capabilities. The parts where she spoke to the stars made me smile because I used to do it a lot as well although unlike her I don't pray to God via the stars.

I knew and still know their names, when to find them and where. Back home I would lie down on my balcony ramp (with a high risk of falling into my neighbour's garden) and watch the milky way and the constellations. I would wake up at 5 am to watch venus at dawn. I still love the stars . I believe that where ever you are, as long as you can see the same constellations as your love ones, it means that they are never far away. For me now, this constellation is Orion which can be seen in both the Southern and Northern hemispheres.

Each time we went to Flic en Flac for dinner, I would lie back in the car and stargaze through the back window. We had to go through an area surrounded by both sides with sugarcane and this was the best place to stargaze as it is darker.  It was like saying hello to old friends and it's weird to realize that the stars we see now are actually from the past and might no longer exist.

I miss watching the milky way because there is too much light in the Canadian sky but I can still see the Orion belt and the planets. I also thank whoever invented googlesky because it is my favourite app. Back home I used sky maps and would use well known constellation as my landmarks like sagittarius, scorpio, taurus, orion, the pleaides-7 sisters etc. Which reminds me I miss the trajectory of venus infront of the sun which happened a few days ago. Apparently it sort gave the sun a beauty mark. zut alors.

Jeez I'm craving for some serious stargazing and let myself fall into the hands of eternity while looking at a sky of twinkling diamonds.

montreal here i come

My bus tickets are printed and hotel booking. All I need to do is pack. I have also booked my tickets for a one day trip in Ottawa to see the much coveted Van Gogh up close. The ottawa portion is  a "coup de tete" as we say it in french. I love Van Gogh and the post impressionism so this exhibition timing is perfect. After visiting Giverny in France where Monet had his paintings, then Musee D'Orsay, Van Gogh here I come. I never forgave myself for missing the William Waterhouse exhibit in Toronto in 2010?? and I missed the Tim Burton one as well..booo :(

I'm stuck in a rut lately to the point where it is scaring me. Even with my stressful job at the MCB I could create daily, here nada. I just read blogs and dream in colour while hoarding craft supplies. I better start using them SOON.

I'm not sure where I'll go in Montreal, I guess I'll let my bohemian side take over: walk into random streets, enjoying the day although the weather forecast is cloudy and rainy :( I'm definitely going to Mont Royal cemetery bird watching and to enjoy the silence. Laugh at me but old cemeteries are awesome, the Canadian tombstones are less impressive than Parisian ones-Pere La Chaise..awesomeness!!!- but it's like being in a park (at least for Mount Pleasant, St James and Mont Royal) . I know some streets are reputed for vintage and old books so I'll walk along these as well and hit the Salvation Army store on Notre Dame for quirky vintage finds.

Most probably I'll return with my carry on full of food, french books and what nots. then back to bleh mississauga. At least I am taking my fuji instax with me for polaroid pictures and I am doing a travel scrapbooklet. Need to get that right brain work hard.

I wish I had someone to talk about art or literature with me..Well there's always monologues... or soliloquys.

"To be or not to be, that is the question.."

Some people at work says I am VERY quiet but funny when I talk (...) I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.. *shrug*

my brain hurts and my tolerance for human stupidity rubbed thin... the corporate world is making me resent every minute of my life..

i need to run away..i need to find solace far away from this capitalist world.

what those past days taught me: humans fall mainly into one category., the "me" category where it's all about getting attention, being popular/liked, and about hypocrisy (a few literally stink of it, like some pungent odor that clings to their skin and cannot be get rid of how often they wash themselves) and it's nothing new

i have to get out of here fast. it's either that or my sanity. i have done a decent job of disconnecting myself from these toxic factors but there are days where i am like how can people be like that?? and their game is one i don't want to play.

the girl with her you-have-to-get-married argument made a come back. at one point i was wondering if she was trying to insult me with "ask your parents to find a boy for you. now it's a good time to get married because you know you are not.."

i am not what?? (don't get me started on that) and it all started when i told her my sister in law is getting her pr visa. i have no issues that my younger brothers are married before me. it's not a rat race. funny thing is that she is single too so she should worry about herself first than the stranger that i am..ah people...they're weird...

i knew i was never meant to be a social creature. god have you forsaken me?? *note the sarcasm please..

maya expo at the rom

So on last last thursday I went to the ROM to see the Maya expo. I did not want to miss it and the week-end was the last day. Unfortunately no pictures were allowed :( Getting out of museum station I saw this (see pic below) and I was like "gawd don't tell me...again???"

school buses lined up!!

I did drop by the ROM during March break for the Maya expo and this was the BIGGEST mistake ever as this is THE time when all kids head to the museum w/ their grand parents and what not. The lineup was huge so I went shopping instead.

This time I was determined to wait and see the expo despite the hoard of kids as it was the last week it was being shown and I would not be free to do it later as I work on week-ends. Thanks god all the kids were already in and it was a short queue for admission.

 where am i?

It was an interesting expo and the clay works by the Mayans are so intricate and lovely. Something that got me wondering is the common theme in all ethnicities/religions world wide about how the creation of the world is a violent process. In addition, the mayan believed that night and day were a daily event of destruction and creation. There was also a section about the famous end of the world in 2012 which is when the Mayan calendar ends.

To be honest when I first saw the paintings by the Mayans, it added to my belief that they were a violent culture: torture/sacrifice of war prisoners, scarification as beauty marks, cutting their tongues to draw blood for sacrifice etc. I was reminded of a comic I read when I was younger about Spaniards who traveled in the mexican jungles and were killed by the aztechs/mayan or sacrificed and how they came to a temple where there was a mountain of sacrificed corpse missing vital organs like the heart. Don't ask me how a kid like me got her hands on that type of comic. It was in "Le petit Spirou" album.

Upon deeper thinking, I realized that it is in human nature to be violent as past wars, holocaust, rape of nankin etc have showed us. It's just some cultural violence are more mediatized in books, tv etc so the Mayan "violence" was in fact no more violent than the vikings etc.. It also showed the Mayan nowadays and it's awesome to see how some managed to keep their ancestral language and culture.
After the Mayan show, I headed to my favorite hall in the ROM: the dinosaurs!!

I am never bored of watching the skeletons resurrected from the past. My only complaint is that at the ROM, the skeletons are not arranged in a way to give you the right "impression" of their sizes. The skeletons are too close to one another, giving a feeling of crowdness when in fact some skeletons are really more impressive in size and structure on their own. 

Also saw the weird specimens from the Burgess shale and unfortunately some of the lights shinning on the rocks were off so I could not really see all the details of their structures. I don't know if the burgess shale specimens are temporary or permanent as I would love to go back and see them again. Paleobiology is sooo coooll. Need to go to redpath museum in Montreal as well. I would love one day to go to Nova Scotia and walk along the Joggins cliffs where they have fossils. It's just too cool, like jumping into the past..just like when i saw fossilized plants at the Don Valley brickworks and yeah the dinosaur provincial park is on my list as well.

Now I just need to find a traveling companion and money :P...

blood on the floor

there's a lot of blood in the street next to my condo. car accident? A driver from a black? car was taken by the police and there's a pool of blood infront of a white car..ouch..

just checked the news: a woman was hit infront of the building..how could they not have seen her?? i wonder if they'll wash away the blood...

It makes me think of the day when i witnessed 2 cars crashing infront of my bus. Give it only 1 minute and we would have been in it as well. I saw the car bumpers flying, the oil tank in the air, the car motor covers getting compressed and the drivers' expressions..At least no one was hurt.

It was impressive on the moment: like watching something from tv. Maybe it was the wrong feeling to have but i was in awe..

i have decided to be a good girl: i'll add pictures of china soon..and doc my trip

highpark sakuras 2012

Today I moved my lazy ass to go to high park. This spring is weird, with a weather that is yoyoing between hot and cold. I first went to kariya garden-mississauga but it did not satisfied my craving for sakuras so off to high park I went:

 The past windy days made a lot of blossoms fell on the ground and it was nice, different from last year. It's beautiful to watch the falling petals, almost dreamy. The park was not that crowded as well since the weather network predicted it would rain and it was chilly. Although the cherry trees were in bloom, the surrounding nature was not out, which is weird since last year everything was more lush and green. Must be our chilly spring.

Most of the residents of high park were invisible but, I spotted the regulars: the white swan, the ducks and black bird red wings but no chipmunks/woodpecker/cardinal in view. Also saw some beautiful tiny vibrant blue birds (with a white breast) doing their shows over the water. I was on the verge of taking the picture of one of them but it flew away as people were walking by..meh..

I did notice the park had some damages not present last year, like man made hatchet marks on some trees and a few were surrounded by grill. I'm not sure if I noticed them before and it seemed the vegetation was more sparse from my first visit in 2005. Maybe it's because it's still early spring?? Anyway it was a nice break away from boring Mississauga.

I do envy people who live on the other bank of the river in highpark. The late afternoons must be an interesting show of birds. I do bet the houses are worth millions as well. I love bloor street though. It's charming.

I guess I'll find a way to go again in summer and spend the whole day there *IF* only it was not that far away *sigh*

Then I walked to jane subway station and spotted this cute scrapbook store:bizzy b's stamp and scrap and could not leave without getting my hands on some goodies: stencil, ink, alphabets and some sheets from graphic 45. They even offer art journal classes :( It sucks to live so far away from anything remotely cool.i can't believe there's no Curry's art store in Mississauga as well, unless you're willing to travel all the way down to Oakville! Meh...maybe it's time for some driving's lesson???

My next goals:

culham trail-12 km from erin park to meadowvale conservation area
scarborough buffs-the travel will surely kill me.

I am also done booking my trip to Montreal from the 29 May-2 June. Montreal here I come : montreal bagels, cheese, bread, vintage books, wine and stock up on french books. yay!!!

ooak

I went to One of a kind craft show on friday and it always brings me great pleasure to move from vendors to vendors. I do envy those people who are able to live off their crafts instead of being a coorporate slave. I do understand it's not easy to be a self entrepreneur yet I do wish I had the stamina and talent to do the same. long live handmade and local craft!

 I snatched a tea towel, bucket tote and ceramic plate my favorite Toronto etsy store : bookhou ; a large fabric bucket and tea towel from jenna rose, a few ceramics items from ericam (need to find her link), cool letter press card from flakes paperie and some unmounted rubberstamps. I had a great time although there were some sellers from the christmas show who were not there and I wanted to get some items from them.

 I am also in love w/ this seller: veinage.ca. Her bags are lovely in pictures and in person. Unfortunately I had no money w/ me-pay day is next week- so I could not grab her awesome bags :( they are made from recovered leather and wood. The craftmanship is really nice!!I hope she'll have some left from the show as she said she'll upload what is left on etsy. Else I can always try to grab some of her bags when I go to Montreal in May-June.I wanted to buy so many things but was short on funds :( I guess I have to save for December. L'atelier preybistere is another stop of mine in Montreal. They were at the show but I did not buy anything since I am going to Montreal. i can't wait to get my hands on some vintage books, bagels, bread and cheese from Montreal.

 I <3 vintage and this is what I'll decorate my house with. I love old houses with personality although they are probably more expensive to buy and maintain. When I listen to my relatives talk about their future condos, designer made please, marble counter and upgrade whatever the crap, I just disconnect myself. Sure I do love stainless steel appliances and marble counter (whatever) but I prefer a place of my own than have someone else imprint on it. A place where I can DIY and shape to my taste. I guess my dream house would be a mixture of vintage, rustic and cottage but minimalist as well: lots of light, white walls w/ colour accents and of course my collection of lavender plants and cactuses.

Appartment therapy has lovely samples of home deco by regular people for inspiration (ok it's true a lot of them are artist-ilustrators and even designers). we'll see what the future brings. I love old things because of their history and personality.

 I saw this survey somewhere: Why do you buy a TV? 20%-to watch tv shows, 80%-to have a background noise so that I feel less lonely. How true is that?

 This week my goal is to go to the ROM to see the Maya exhibit. Next goal: picasso at the ago and do the culham trail.I need to keep myself busy. I'm trying to get into visual journaling again. I did one page with mist inks, japanese papers, machine stitches and the word accept. I want to write the serenity prayer somewhere. will upload when the page is complete. I need more art in my life and a meaning..

PS Gibli studio movies are so dreamy..

this girl who asked me all these rude questions about my brother's wedding is getting on my nerves. next time i'll punch her. today i was telling her how my cousin is getting married to a muslim guy (my intention was to say i am going home) and for some reason she brought the subject back to me. she's so annoying with her do this and that. i'm not asking you for advice and stop making conclusions or judging. *roll eyes* ask your parents to find you a boy and mind your own business.

i need fresh air. i realized i no longer like what i am doing and some people just make work a drag. To spend 90% of my time there is killing me. it's no longer fun nor interesting as it used to be and management operations is becoming so bitchy. i spend every afternoon dozing because i'm exhausted.

i also came to the conclusion that 99% taxi drivers from all star taxi are frauds-or any taxi company that is. they always keep the change for themselves and one even had the guts to ask me how much i wanted back..hello??? i had everything from the driver who took the longest route on purpose to make more money and one who tried to convince me we called his company when it was not. they take it for granted that spare change is theirs and this is what irks me the most, just like people expecting you to tip them just because they serve you. I'm working on ways to have exact change from now one as some even keep> $1 for them. since when do taxis expect tip as well?

I do think tipping and spare change is being taken for granted in this country. I even had some cashiers bitching at a dim sum restaurant because they thought the tip was too low *snort* the service was bad and we still need to give them free money?? what crazy world is this becoming?

did pilates for 2 days and now my body hurts..*sigh*

ah gossips

After the initial surprise, shock and speculations, I came to the conclusion: who give a damn? Whatever you do or say people will always criticize or condemn.

However what I find scary is when many women get together only to bitch, rant and gossip. The worse? The same person who could be smiling and be super friendly with you infront of everyone, is whispering/making fun about you in your back. It's like a group of hens clucking together and women in groups can be so unforgiving. Seriously some days at work makes me think of high school and it does not bother me to be the last person in the know or not to know current news. as long as it's not related to my job, i don't really care.

I learned to stay away from some people after seeing how they were gossiping negatively about someone with whom they were supposed to be best buddies. Can't people talk about general matters? In general men tend to talk about general stuffs or work related while women it's always about them or somebody else they hate or dislike..women thrive in spitting their envy or jealousy of other people..no wonder medusa had a woman's face.

I was surprised and glad to hear one co-worker saying she liked talking to me because I don't ask her personal questions. I find it rude to go to someone i just met and ask questions like: are you married, you have how many kids, are you dating etc.. Maybe that's just me. you get these answers in conversations naturally when you get to know someone better because people will always mention their kids, husbands once the conversations start to flow.

I did not appreciate how for my brother's wedding, one girl wanted to know how much he paid for his wedding, if he paid my flight tkts etc..the same person asked me if i was dating when we first started speaking. often she tries to convince me that now is the time to be in a relationship, get married and have kids..?!?!?!?! helllo??

maybe I think differently and I'm more private than some who go and tell to whoever who want to listen to them on the floor about their bad relationship etc.. I do understand we all want attention, want to be liked and when you listen to people telling you about their personal life, it's like you're being a confident but at the end of the day, the whole floor knows it..and it's work..not your therapist office.

the day the management decides to fire you, do you think your so called best friend co-worker will come forward and defend you? do you think your manager with whom you're buddy buddy will come to apologize? no. what they do is; they let you pick up your stuffs and escort you to the door. period.

maybe i'm cynical .i learned to protect my back since high school from nasty people and to trust my intuition about people because often it hurts more than it is worth it. i'm not looking to be Miss popular nor be loved. I'm just looking for respect and be on neutral grounds. i mind my business.

it's just all too deja vu like when I was working at mcb: different countries, same people and same personalities.

people can be so draining with their emotional baggage...i would not mind running away..it's like deja vu from my mcb years... it hurts to listen to them over and over again like broken records

do not blame
expect nothing
do something

random thoughts

finished reading American dervish and i'll admit i found the book a bit disturbing and the end left me with a taste of "not enough". This book had a lot of potential but it did lacked character growth and one thing that puzzles me w/ books in general about muslims is that they are rarely portrayed in an advantageous light or maybe it's because I always come across books that describes the negative side of islam than the positive especially with the degrading treatment of women. Reading about the Shafia's case in the newspaper does not help either. The book is not bad. It started well for me but the end was like..blehhh...

It just makes me wonder if there are regular muslims out there, meaning a guy who is not a fanatic of the religion, treats woman decently etc..

There are bigots in every religion and one thing that breaks my heart is woman's status. I don't understand how it can be taken for granted that women are impure or damned because of their monthly periods or because she ate the apple... I am really surprise when some people talk as if women deserve all the suffering (pms, birth pain etc..) because she ate the apple. Hello???? Even for the periods, should we remind them that it is from the woman's impure blood that they were f****g borne? How can people blindly believe such spin up tales in order to justify woman's abuse. Do they think women chose to be the one to bear the child and go though 9 months of danger and child birth pain-which NO man will ever know how it hurts even if they get hit in their nuts!!?- or that any being choose to be borne a woman to be stigmatized if she has the misfortune of being in the wrong culture?

I don't understand how across the globes, the patriarch culture is what dominates and often women are just commodities. I would agree though that woman's status today is better than before and I am glad I was not borne earlier but still I did suffer light woman stigma like dad saying how I am lucky I was sent to university as the eldest although I'm a "girl" and my mother expecting me to do domestic house chores while my brothers and dad just sit and relax or get married asap. Woman is still a commodity in porn culture where she is the submissive bitch craving for c**k, and even in the media where she has to be photoshopperfect ornamenting herself w/ fake stuffs like a Christmas tree else she is ugly. I wonder if people know what is the very essence of being a woman..Maybe women will always be "the other" as per Simone de Beauvoir.

Seriously being asexual would have been sooo much more convenient. no label and no expectation. It gets on my nerves when people make fun of me because I refuse to be the domesticated girl. I'm sorry, unless they can prove scientifically that only women possess the gene for housechores, cooking and babysitting men, I refuse to follow the crowd. It's just an excuse for man's laziness. they want to eat? they can help..even if it's doing the dishes or cleaning the house.

Being in Canada is enlightening because you come across opinions that leave you speechless, not because they are bad but simply I cannot understand how can people think like that...

chinese new year

my body is breaking down. Happy New Year of the dragon. I saw a gorgeous rainbow on the lake and suddenly the sun broke through the clouds illuminating Toronto at the horizon. It was beautiful. It made me think of the wizard of Oz when emerald city glitters at the horizon as Dorothy and the gang arrived close to the end of the yellow brick road. The city had this white cast while the surrounding areas were darker. So nice.

I love these types of surprises. On Friday I spotted a hawk/falcon at the Derry-Hurontario corner? A long lost friend I have not seen since last fall. Proud bird with a white chest looking for any imprudent rodents for food.It left after 10 mins. I'll never cease to be amaze at the grace of birds of prey especially when they glide in the sky: free.

I need a rest for my head. Even my days off are no longer enough. Yesterday I had dinner at my aunt's place and my mom called us for the New Year. My youngest brother is getting married in 2014. My dad and my brother were not there, having gone of their usual pagoda rounds to greet the new year. My mother could not go out because apparently it's not good for her horoscope because she's a sheep (chinese horoscope).


The water dragon year promises to be a good year and I do hope it is. 2010 and 2011 have drained me: so many losses, relocation, disasters. Apparently for my sign-rooster-2012's full of goodies..hah..we'll see. As much as I cannot live under the same roof as my parents due to difference in opinions and character, sometimes I wished I could go home for these types of festivals and get together.

I'm not a people's person but it's always nice to meet all your relatives, see their kids and listen to stories around the dinner table. I've never been much of a talker but love to listen to older people talk and my aunts gossip. I know time is ticking when I see my nephews who're growing so fast w/ each passing year.

I tried to imagine how it was at home:

On the eve there would be a get together for my aunts-uncles. On the table: 100 year duck eggs, fooyang, home made chinese sausage and porc, chop suey, white moss soup, and a meat plus chicken dish. During the day my aunts-mother would be busy in the kitchen cooking and making sweet potato cakes aka "gato zinzi". The men would spend the day playing mahjong. Earlier during the week, we would have been making "gato cravattes" amidst the crazy cleaning.

Most probably Sudesh was there and my mom shouting after him to make sure the windows are cleaned properly. Then dad will bring some of his pakistanese/bangladeshi workers to clean the yard w/ high pressure water. He also bought his crazy 10000 firecrackers which became longer w/ passing years.

This year the firecrackers were burned at 430 am to scare evil spirits on that special day. Then we would set up tables in front of the gods with the usual offerings of fruits, biscuits and dried dates/lotus seeds. One big incense to welcome the new year and 3 small ones for each god. Joster paper will be burned.

In the kitchen another table would be set w/ incense sticks, boiled chickens, fruits in set of 3, drinks either rum/soda for the ancestors-my deceased grand parents. The idea is for them to celebrate the new year and invite "their friends' to eat with them. One whole boiled chicken w/ a pair of chopsticks supporting its neck-a piece of sea food on its right and a piece of pork on its left.

On that day we are not allowed to sweep the house, to wash our hair because it meant washing away our luck.After lighting all the incenses, dad would take us on his pagoda rounds. Some places were filled w/ people and your eyes would water w/ the incense smoke. Pagode la rue la saline, pagode on marie reine de la paix mountain, ah fee see pagoda on la rue magon and pagode next to champs de mars. Ah Fee See pagoda was always the busiest and there would also be chinese lions dancing. We would greet happy new year to all the nuns and get "potpan"-a sweet brioche like pastry stained red. It had the taste of orange rinds.

While we were away, my mother would clean up the religious offerings, burns all the joster papers. The yard would be covered in red papers, remnants of the firecrackers. If i was home, after each firecracker burning I would visit my pouchies to make sure they were ok. We, humans are able to reduce the noise by covering our ears but not my doggies. Then I would make sure that none my plants had too much sulphur or firework remnants on them. I am surprised how they always survived each spring festival fireworks. Often some parts would die but always come back.

My nephews would come over to see their grand mother (my aunt) and play in the fireworks, and look for ay unburned firecracker. Dad called his fireworks "petards canons" because not only they were long but super loud..like 2 mins of "sweet" music.

After the pagoda rounds, we would all go back to bed after wishing everyone happy new year and giving foon pao-the red envelopes marked w/ double happiness and filled w/ lucky money. Lunch would be a vegetarian dish w/ meefoon, bamboos shoots, black fungus, lotus flowers seasoned w/ mustard: my favourite vegetarian dish. Sometimes there would be a typical chinese herbal soup made of goji seeds, dried dates-longane, lotus seeds,and lotus flowers. yummy.We would also give our neighbours the chinese festival goodies: a bag filled with gato cravattes, gato lacire and chipettes.

In the afternoon, there would be more people and a bigger dinner. some dishes would be a repeat of those on the eve and we would have sea food either crabs or lobster and extra plus wine or champagne. Getting together around dinner is something big in chinese culture. Everyone would stay late updating about the latest news and gossips. Desert would be the gato cravattes and chipettes and gato lacire.

I sort of miss these days. I write to remember, I write because I am afraid I will forget what I left behind in a few years. I'm not an advocate of traditions or what not but I don't want my parents to be the last generation of what my grand parents brought and I don't want to lose my childhood.

I don't know why so many things break my heart lately. I'm surely emo or pmsing..the joy of the female body. I could live without this body ..really..

ps when will there be a sequel to jonathan strange and mr norrell. The ladies of grace adieu left me on "ma faim"..

pps blogger sucks big deal..my pictures are not loading :/

nostalgie quand tu nous tiens

Songs like that makes me nostalgic. It makes me think of my highschool years watching french variety shows every saturday or sunday. I miss poetic lyrics.
I miss french language although it's easier for me to type in english. I guess I was so used to listen-talk in french and write in english that now I feel a bit off since all is english. Each time I read french poetry or listen to french songs it's like meeting an old friend and it feels warm inside. I miss french classic singers like Michel Sardou, Patricia Kaas, Mylene Farmer etc. I guess one generation is over.

Nowadays everything reeks of consumerism and capitalism. It's all about money and material possession. Often Toronto sucks out my energy, it's all about :buy, buy and buy and work to death. Short term happiness that leaves you more frustrated when you can't get your hands on a new toy you want. The anticipation at getting something is often more thrilling than having the item in your hands. Accumulating, hoarding, admiring to fill the hole in your soul. we're the cubicle generation where our sole distraction is the tv or possessing items.

Being fed lies everyday where you're brainwashed into believing that happiness is buying celeb endorsement products, appearance modification or live the american dream yet it's ironic how the highest books sales are self help and dieting..it pretty tells much you about the average person's state of mind. We want quick fixes in our life and most stuffs seen on tv show that quick fixes can be attained when it is evident that no pain is no gain.

I won't deny: I did use some self help books in the past but at the end of the day, a lot of these authors are not telling anything new, they're just laying black on white what we always knew and they were smart enough to find the golden eggs by marketing their ideas.

I'm mentally exhausted, just want to lie on the sea and drift away watching the sky. Yesterday the weather was fantastic, windy and rainy but not cold. The clouds were passing by quickly as if there was an approaching storm, the air was electric and it felt alive..I spent the mins waiting for the bus outside the bus shelter, savoring the wind against my skin, filling my lungs w/ the smell of rain and newness. I don't know how to explain it, it just felt like back home before a cyclone. The air smells different and not stagnant.

I'm tired. A few people have been complaining that I am too quiet-I was doing fine until some bitch moved the lime light on me. Since when has it become a sin to be quiet? I don't want to spend hours gossiping about x, y and z and pretend we're best friends w/ that person when (s)he is there. I always knew office environment is all about hypocrisy so I try not to get involved too much and prefer to speak when i need to instead of small talks and gossips. I'm not good at small talks anyway because sometimes it feels too inquisitive esp with people I am not familiar with..

I'm so INFP that it SUCKS big deal..

love cali: